Code Name Huck
by coolman3
Summary: It's what you get when you put Huckleberry Hound, Sealab 2021 and secret agents in an oven, cook for 20 minutes and then serve to about four people. Pure insanity. With cameos by other HannaBarbera chatacters. Read and review. One more chapter added!
1. Agents

Code Name Huck

Agents

(Opening credits. Cut to Huckleberry Hound standing outside a gas station.)

Huck: That was even funny then the time I followed my teeth all the way down Swanson Street.

(A limo drives up to the gas station.)

Huck: Hey, who are you guys?

Agent:(V.O): Agent Smith.

Huck: Did you just say smite! If you did I'd say you're God! Wanna know why I'd reckon you're God!

Agent:(V.O): No...not really.

Huck: Funny story, it's relating to the story as to why I'm standing outside this gas station, it involved me riding on my pet God fish that was from the ancient portals of Rygumsonson, and it dropped all the way down to none other then Jerry Lewis' dressing room, where he kicked me out after giving me an autograph in cotton candy, and I followed a dog that looked like Lassie all the way here 'til it exploded in when it ran to this here gas station. I've been going crazy and talking to myself all day! You know where my Mom is?

Agent:(V.O): No...I don't.

Huck: It's hilarious, you see I was sent out with my pet God fish to get some oil from the gas station, until I got confused and ending up on a journey...only to end up in a gas station! I'm angrier than Kurt Cobain was when he shot himself in April 1994, reminds me of a little song my Mom used to sing to me!

Agent:(V.O and angry) What?

Huck:(singing) If you ever lost, just go cross, all the way to the supermarket. That's right, you know with all the cheese and please and sneeze and oh God it's Louise!

Agent:(V.O): Huck, would you please come inside the limo?

Huck: Okay, I'll ask my Mom first, Mom can I get into this creepy guy's car (different voice) Do you eat all your green beans (normal voice) But Mom, it's disgusting! (different voice) No, you must finish all your green beans, and your homework (normal voice) But I hate maths! (different voice) Huckleberry you will finish your homework! (normal voice) Mom!!! (Huck starts slapping himself)

Agent:(V.O): Just come inside!

(Agent Smith comes out of the limo and pulls Huck in.)

Huck: What am I doing in this here limo (hillbilly voice) y'all yeller belly.

Agent Smith: You hold the key to destroy all our planet-wide competitors.

Huck: GASP How do you know about my key in my underwear that I keep so my foe Quickdraw McGraw won't get to it!

Agent Smith: A competiting secret agency is planning to make a nuclear bomb to destroy half of the western universe...we live in the northern universe.

Huck: What do I have to do with anything besides having the ability to sing my way out of anything, even in tornados! I made a friend who was a tornado once, it was my best friend...was name was Gary.

Agent Smith: Point is, we picked you to be an agent because...we have budget cuts.

Huck: GASP I'm shocked, I'm appalled, I'm sickened to the bone so much that...I just don't get it.

Agent Smith: We need you Huck...to help out the Evil Alliance.

(Dramatic chord.)

Agent Smith: A Division of Evil against Evil Who Doesn't Like Good But Is Evil Corporation!

Huck: Sounds like a name for a computer stalker! UHHH! I've gone crazy! STOP ME PLEASE OH GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!!!!!

(Agent Smith whacks Huck with a pipe.)

Agent Smith: Calm down.

Huck: Who are you?

Agent Smith: I'm Agent Smith, I thought I told you that.

Huck: Oh, okay Agent Smith. Then who am I then?

Agent Smith: Huckleberry Hound, you are our new top agent.

Huck: Top agent, eh? Well, now that I'm a top agent, I demand...a coffee!

Agent Smith: Excuse me?

Huck: I need coffee to take down all the evil in the world!

Agent Smith: Excuse me...coffee?

Huck: When coffee gets in your pants, it burns like the Sun on rice butter! That was my favourite food until I suddenly lost all memory right?

Agent Smith: Um...yeah, I think.

Huck: Good, then let all be shall be!

Agent Smith: Yes...let's.

(Cut to "Evil Alliance" Headquarters. Cut inside as Agent Smith and Huck are walking in the halls.)

Agent Smith: This is the hallway of the secret underground agency...

Huck: Yes, I remember it vaguely.

Agent Smith: You've never been here before.

Huck: Maybe yes, maybe no...but I'm taking this computer stalking company to new heights.

Agent Smith: This is not a computer stalking company!

Huck: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm turning it into one.

(Phone rings as Huck puts it on speaker.)

Huck: Evil Alliance, Huck Jones top agent speaking.

President: Yeah, well...I had suddenly lost all my "agents".

Huck: Your agents?

President: Yes, uh...agents.

Huck: What agents?

President: Um...my secret FBI and other...agents.

Huck: Well, they're not secret anymore and you don't know them.

President: I do know them.

Huck: Well, you've got us now so you should calm down.

President: Who's angry?

Huck: Differently not us at the Evil Alliance.

President: What?

Huck: So our name offends you, now...Evil Alliance!

Agent Smith: Huck, that's the President of the United States on speaker phone, don't offend him.

Huck: Evil Alliance!

President: What?

Huck: Evil Alliance, that's our name so get used to it.

Agent Smith: You're not actually the "top" top agent.

Huck: You said I was, so I am...pay attention Mr. Prime Minister.

President: What's your name?

Huck: Huck Jones.

Agent Smith: His real name is Huckleberry Hound sir.

Huck: No, it's Huck Jones!

Agent Smith: It's actually Huckleberry Hound sir, he lost his memory...uhhh...somehow.

President: Well, I was just wondering if you could found them.

Huck: Who?

President: My...my agents.

Huck: Agents?

President: Agents?

Huck: Agents, agents, agents, agents, agents, agents, agents, agents, agents and more and more and more of agents, agents, agents, agents, agents, agents and more agents?

President: Yes, agents. I want you to find my agents.

Huck: You really need your agents don't you?

President: Yes, my agents.

Huck: Agents huh?

President: Yes...

Huck: We at the Evil Alliance are agents.

President: Agents?

Huck: Yes, we are agents.

President: True, you are agents?

Huck: Yes we are agents, and you don't need to go looking for your agents because we are agents and we could be your agents.

Agent Smith: Stop saying agents!

Huck: Well, look who's cranky.

Agent Smith: Mr. President don't listen to him.

President: I need you to look for MY agents.

Agent Smith: I thought I told you to stop saying agents!

Huck: Well, look who's cranky.

Agent Smith: I'm not cranky.

Huck: Yeah, you are.

Agent Smith: OKAY I AM CRANKY.

Huck: Yes, isn't it better to put it all out in the open.

Agent Smith: I was being sarcastic.

Huck: Well I don't know what you mean, so shut up!

Agent Smith: Look in the dictionary.

Huck: My head is my dictionary.

President: Okay, so what...what did you say? What about my agents?

Huck: You don't need them, pay attention.

President: How much do I need to pay attention?

Huck: Two dollars, next caller!

(Huck hangs up and awaits the next call as Agent Smith stares.)

Agent Smith: Okay, so maybe I went a bit overboard with the whole "you're a top agent thing" I mean, you're on old actor from the United States circa 1960s and...

Huck: The '60s are like any other decade except CNN started brainwashing hillbilly folk thanks to Ted Turner's evil ex-wife Jane Fonda and the Vietnam War was lashing out on Asian people for a reason I can't remember. And my company went down in sales after my top employee sold millions of stock to the Vietnamese terrorists after he got high on a bong he found in my trunk of my car after he was ordered to look for my wife's underwear who's now divorced me...and Turner colorized the moon.

(Pause.)

Agent Smith: That's not what happened...did it?

Huck: I can't remember, I'm the guy who suddenly lost his memory in your limo.

Agent Smith: Your name is Huckleberry Hound and you're our new top secret agent.

Huck: Agent is another word for detergent.

(Pause.)

Huck: I'm taking over this computer stalking company!

Agent Smith: We don't stalk computers!

Huck: What do we do huh, Mr. Agent Smith, what do we do?

Agent Smith: My name's James.

Huck: How's that working out for you?

James: Fine, thank you.

Huck: Where's your manager?

James: What manager?

Huck: I need to speak to someone!

James: Want to speak with who's in charge?

Huck: Yes, I'd like that every much.

James: Our boss is in his room.

(Cut inside the boss's room as Huck enters.)

Boss: Mr. Hound.

(Boss gets dart in his neck and falls down.)

James: (just entering) Why did you do that?

Huck: (evil music arises) I'm taking this "Evil Alliance" to all new directions of the secret agency biz.

James: You cannot do that.

Huck: I'm the new "top agent" and there's no way anyone can stop me, not even the top guy upstairs. (evil music stops.)

James: Who, Top Cat?

(Top Cat opens the door.)

Top Cat: Did someone say my name?

(Canned audience applause and laughter.)

Huck: No Top Cat, go back upstairs.

Top Cat: Yeah, well...

(Top Cat gets dart in neck and falls down.)

James: You just knocked out Top Cat.

Huck: You want some of this Agent Smith, well do you? Do you? I bet you don't, no-one ever does, because that's the way the cookie crumbles!

James: What cookie?

(James gets dart in neck and falls down. Cut to Huck wearing a suit on the podium among thousands. Evil music arises again.)

Huck: Gentlemen!

Audience: Yes!

Huck: We're in a generation of spy.

Audience: Yes!

Huck: Silence! I demand you all work very hard for this spy agency to help out all agents and agents alike! We must band together to stop the evil of...rice butter!

Audience: Yes!!!

Huck: Free coupons for everyone!

Audience: YEAH!!!!

Huck: And we shall destroy all our enemies...rice butter!

(Pause.)

Huck: And everything else that crosses paths with us!

Audience: YEEAH!

Huck: Now, my little sea monkeys, attack!

(Audience becomes in static as evil music stops. Cut to a News Reporter in a newsroom.)

News Reporter: We interrupt this program to say the Evil Alliance has killed millions of "rice butter" apparently some people tried to cross paths with them and suffered huge consequences and after that...the new Evil Alliance boss Huckleberry Hound has now surrendered apparently, due to legal reasons we now go to sport.

(Cut to Huck in a interrogation room with James.)

James: Why did you do that?

Huck: Do what?

James: Overthrow the boss and go all "evil" with the Evil Alliance.

Huck: Okay...what did I do again?

James: Listen, your name is Huckleberry Hound and was not really smart when we first met, remember that...not so smart, now stop being so evil and give back the Boss's job of being the boss.

Huck: Who's Huckleberry Hound?

(James whacks Huck with a pipe.)

Huck: I'm Anne Frank.

(James whacks Huck with a pipe.)

Huck: Who's blue?

(James whacks Huck with a pipe.)

James: You're blue.

Huck: What?

James: You're blue.

Huck: Really, I'm blue.

James: Yes you are.

Huck: Really?

(The Boss runs in with dart still on neck.)

Boss: Huckleberry Hound, I call your bluff!

Huck: What bluff?

(James whacks Huck over the head.)

Huck: Who are you guys?

James: I'm Agent James Smith.

Boss: And I'm Craig Warburton, boss!

Huck: Okay, who am I?

Craig: Keep hitting him with that pipe, he must have his memory back so he could be our secret agent for the "Evil Alliance"!

(James repeatedly hits Huck with the pipe.)

Craig: Hit him harder!

(James does so.)

Craig: Harder! Harder!

James: Yes Boss.

(James does so.)

Huck: Oh man, what am I doing?

James: Who are you?

Huck: Huckleberry Hound!

(James hits Huck with pipe.)

Huck: (beat) That hurt.

(Pause.)

Top Cat: (running in) Did someone say my name?

(Canned laughter.)

Craig: Are you in Huck to be an agent for the "Evil Alliance"?

Huck: What?

Craig: His in!

(Canned applause as Top Cat falls down on the ground. Beat. Everyone laughs. End credits.)


	2. Car

Code Name Huck

Car

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck in a toilet cubicle reading the newspaper with headline "Car Stolen".)

Huck: Look at the new...

(Craig barges in, pulls down his pants and sits on Huck.)

Huck: How long are you going to be?

Craig: Oh hey Huck, could you finding my runaway car?

Huck: You're on my lap.

Craig: Yeah, it's red and a little white...

Huck: I'm busy here.

Craig: And so it also eats...

(Huck jumps up, pushing Craig off.)

Huck: Okay, I'm about to puke because I'm sick.

(Huck pukes, runs and jumps out a window into the trash.)

Huck: Yogi Bear, that's where you been?

(Yogi Bear hops up.)

Yogi Bear: Don't you tell me what do to blue face or I'll kick your blueberry ass back to Bluesville.

Huck: Yogi...Yogi.

Yogi Bear: What?

Huck: You're drunk.

Yogi Bear: No I'm not.

Huck: Give...give me the beer.

Yogi Bear: I'm not drunk.

Huck: Yes, you are you drunk.

Yogi Bear: Don't tell me when I'm drunk, if I want to be drunk then I'll be drunk pal you know who I am...you know? Yogi Bear!

(Huck punches Yogi.)

Yogi Bear: You just punched me you blue bastard!

Huck: I'm Huckleberry Hound!

Yogi Bear: I don't care if you're Aquaman on frozen fire, you're still a bastard!

Huck: Yogi...Yogi...you're drunk.

Yogi Bear: Who's Aquaman?

Huck: I thought you knew.

Yogi Bear: Of course I would say "Aquaman" I'd say that to sound smart.

Huck: Why would saying "Aquaman" make you sound smart!

Yogi Bear: Don't you argue with me Bluey!

Huck: I found that racist!

Yogi Bear: Boo-hoo, cry me a river!

Huck: Maybe I will!

Yogi Bear: You want to go! Blue punk!

Huck: What's up with the tie little Mr. "Thinks His Too Good For a Normal Bowtie"!

Yogi Bear: You think you're so tough, hey wanna go?

Huck: I don't make monkeys, I train them!

Yogi Bear: Oh, you're going to get it now!

Huck: C'mon, bring it on bear nuts!

Yogi Bear: Bear nuts! Oh that's it!

Huck: C'mon!

(Huck punches Yogi Bear.)

Yogi Bear: You wanna go!

Huck: You've been asking me that for 5 minutes!

Yogi Bear: What 5 minutes?

Huck: Your five minutes!

(Huck punches Yogi Bear.)

Huck: Five minutes of fame!

Yogi Bear: I was famous in the '60s.

Huck: Well so was I Chuck!

Yogi Bear: Your name is Huck!

Huck: I know it is!

(Huck repeatedly punches Yogi Bear.)

Yogi Bear: Oh, that's it!

(Yogi Bear grabs a chair and smacks Huck out of the trash and onto the ground.)

Yogi Bear: Get out of here you blue bastard!

Huck: Have fun living in the garbage!

Yogi Bear: Have been since the '70s!

Huck: What a loser.

Yogi Bear: Say it to my face, Bluey!

Huck: I know what you look like what do I look like?

Yogi Bear: That doesn't make sense!

Huck: It doesn't have to, I'm a secret agent!

(Huck walks off.)

Yogi Bear: Yeah, yeah you walk off you bitch!

Huck: Say that to my face!

Yogi Bear: So you mean your ass!

Huck: You mean your "ass".

Yogi Bear: Shut up freak!

Huck: Look who's talking!

Yogi Bear: Yeah, you!

Huck: No, you just talked!

Yogi Bear: So did you.

Huck: There you go again, talking like a chatterbox!

Yogi Bear: Hypocrite, you're talking right now you bozo.

Huck: Always talk and no action isn't it Yogi!

Yogi Bear: Say that to my face!

Huck: What face, that ugly thing is your face! Oh wait, it is!

Yogi Bear: Wanna go!

Huck: Go where, I know where you should go, go to Hell!

Yogi Bear: I know where you live but where do I live?

Huck: Garbage bin!

Yogi Bear: Oh yeah, what, like you're so special!

Huck: I'm better then you, doesn't that make me special!

Yogi Bear: Yeah, special like a fox!

(Cut to Huck on the other side of the street.)

Huck: Yeah, yeah...like you can talk bear.

Yogi Bear: I heard that!

Huck: So did I, what's your point?

(James walks over to Huck.)

Huck: Hey Smith, how are you going?

James: Fine, have you seen my car...it's gone missing.

Yogi Bear: So has my car!

Huck: You never had a car, stop lying!

James: Who's that?

Yogi Bear: Yogi Bear.

Huck: Shut up, let him tell them!

James: Who are them?

Huck: Let me do that explaining here James.

James: That's Smith to you.

Huck: Yeah, yeah...Smith.

James: Yeah...is this a bad time or?

Huck: No, no...proceed.

James: It's...it's all okay?

Huck: Okay, so...guess?

James: Guess, well...guess?

Huck: That's me James, random and wild, hey look a squirrel!

James: Hey so...someone took my car right.

Huck: Yes, right?

James: And I never got it back, you know who took it?

(Pause.)

Huck: Whose car was it?

James: Mine.

Huck: Thanks, okay...um, why are you telling me this.

James: You asked me.

Huck: No I didn't.

James: Yeah, you asked me.

Huck: Asked you what!

James: Well um...that doesn't really matter right now, but...do you know any detectives?

Huck: I know plenty of detectives...namely me.

James: Yeah and?

Huck: Mostly me.

James: Wait a minute, you're not a detective, you're a secret agent.

Huck: Think about it for a long minute here...aren't agents and detectives the same thing?

James: I suppose not...

Huck: So, it's settled, I'll solve the mystery of the missing cars.

Yogi Bear: And mine!

Huck: Who said that?

Yogi Bear: Me, shakewad!

Huck: Who's me?

Yogi Bear: Oh, (BLEEP) you.

Huck: To you to buddy!

(Cut to Huck in a detective agency room as Craig walks in with his pants still down.)

Huck: Welcome to my agency Mr...

Craig: Warburton...you know.

Huck: Know what?

Craig: I thought you knew!

Huck: I thought I knew what?

Craig: Who knew that I could knew about the new knew!

Huck: Get a hold of yourself!

(Huck slaps Craig.)

Huck: Now what's the problem?

Craig: My car went missing.

Huck: That's funny, so did James' and Yogi Bear's...

Craig: Yeah well...Yogi Bear?

Huck: Yeah, why does he reckon his so big anyway?

(Pause.)

Craig: Because his a bear?

Huck: Well, I'm a blue dog...what the Hell is up with that?

Craig: Up with what?

Huck: Up with you, so get out of here you old bastard and I'll found your car.

Craig: Bitch...oh, and thank you.

(Craig pulls his pants up and walks off. Yogi Bear walks in.)

Yogi Bear: Huck, I've got a bone to pick with you...haha, bone, it's funny because you're a dog!

Huck: Yeah, what is it Yogi?

Yogi Bear: It's been 1 day and you still haven't found my car yet.

Huck: This is the 10th time in 2 days you have annoyed me but this, I'll get to it.

Yogi Bear: When Huck, please tell me...when Huck?

Huck: When you stop annoying me!

Yogi Bear: This will be never!

Huck: Forever more huh, I get it...I get it all.

Yogi Bear: Get what?

Huck: Get magazines.

Yogi Bear: Magazines of what?

Huck: Magazines of how to shut you up!

Yogi Bear: What magazines.

Huck: Magazines like...

(Huck grabs his chair and whacks Yogi over the head as he lies unconscious.)

Huck: How do you like that?

(Huck walks over to a coffee shop and is duck taped with police lines all over the place.)

Policeman: Sorry sir...dog...duh, sir dog, man dog, sir man dog, I mean Huckleberry Hound.

Huck: Damn straight, where's my coffee shop that I go to.

Policeman: A car has been stolen, yet again.

Huck: For some reason, someone keeps stealing cars I wonder why?

Policeman: You wonder why us the police will solve.

Huck: I'm a agent for the "Evil Alliance", I'll get the Boss to allow a car search.

Policeman: You're apart of the "Evil Alliance"...(BLEEP) you!

(Policeman grabs gun and aims at Huck.)

Huck: Whoa...whoa...calm down there Captain Planet.

Policeman: I'm sorry, I haven't felt right since me and my partner's police car got stolen.

Huck: Well, watching shows like Law & Order and C.S.I on rival national networks has taught me the person who did this was probably...probably.

Policeman: Yes...go on.

Huck: I'm too lazy to finish my own sentence; can you finish it for me?

Policeman: Why should I finish "your" sentence?

Huck: Okay, why should we do anything the parrot asks!

Policeman: What parrot.

Huck: I'm out of here Mr. Policeman, good luck on finding the car thief because I, Huckleberry Hound, secret agent slash detective is going to solve this case...free of no-charge.

(Huck walks off.)

Policeman: Good luck on that.

(Huck walks into his office.)

Huck: Give me two coffees with eight spoons of sugar and cream, call my wife and say that I prefer the blue dress and get Yogi Bear in here, his my new non-prime suspect in the case of the annoying acts he assaulted me with...

(Pause.)

Huck: I'm the only one here...okay, that's nice.

(Pause.)

Huck: Really nice.

(Huck walks over to his desk and sees a piece of paper and reads it.)

Huck: Mr. Hound, please find enclosed the location of the stolen cars.

(Pause.)

Huck: This may have the location of the stolen cars!

(Huck opens it and reads it and gasps. Cut inside the Evil Alliance headquarters.)

Co-Agent: I prefer the white pants, but my wife looks the daggy blue.

Other Co-Agent: Oh, yeah...yeah. I know.

(Huck walks in.)

Huck: Hello chumps and non-chumpettes.

Co-Agent: Look, it's Mr. Detective.

Huck: I have the location of the stolen cars!

(Craig and James run up to Huck.)

James: Yeah, where is it?

Huck: I shall show you.

(Cut on the top of the parking lot.)

James: It was in the parking lot.

Huck: I thought it was hard to believe as well, but here it is.

Craig: So, do you know who stole them?

Huck: I believe it was Yogi Bear!

(Yogi Bear pops up from behind a car.)

Yogi Bear: It wasn't me, I swear it!

Huck: Tell that to the courts.

(Huck throws Yogi Bear off the roof as Booboo walks up.)

Booboo: Huckleberry Hound shall never know that I actually stole the cars!

Huck: Being detective was fun, but I prefer being a secret agent.

Booboo: I did it!

Huck: Shut up.

(Huck throws Booboo off the roof. End credits.)


	3. Free Range Huck

Code Name Huck

Free Range Huck

(Opening credits. Cut to the office halls as Huck is surrounded by potential betters.)

Better #1: Hey, Huck...Huck over here Huck!

Better #2: What are the odds on Jesse Williams Taylor Junior Horse?

Huck: Please, please, no-ladies and gentlemen, all questions will be answered very soon, until then you all think for yourselves who to pick for this Saturday's horse racing and remember, 10 bucks and over is fine and dandy like sour candy.

(Everyone walks off as Craig walks in.)

Huck: Hey boss, how are you going?

Craig: Fine...there has been less secret agent work lately.

(Cut to a terrorist holding a guy at gunpoint outside. Cut back inside.)

Craig: The lousy F.B.I is taking all the work.

Huck: S'pose is a good thing.

Craig: Yeah...why was everyone giving you money before?

Huck: Why people were giving me money...I'm a charity case.

Craig: You better be retarded, because if you're running an illegal gambling rig, you're gonna get your ass kicked!

Huck: Really?

Craig: Yeah...I kinda thought that was put out on the table.

Huck: Yeah...don't worry, I'm uh...

Craig: Retarded?

Huck: Yeah, retarded...retarded like you said.

Craig: Oh...want some money?

Huck: Now why would I want money?

Craig: Because...because you're retarded.

Huck: I know I'm retarded, but just because I'm retarded doesn't mean I need money...like what would I need money for?

(Pause.)

Craig: Being retarded?

Huck: Maybe, I don't know, so...what's your bet on Saturday's horse race?

Craig: Um...I'm probably shouldn't be saying this, but I'm allergic to retards.

Huck: What?

Craig: I found out that when I met Tom Cruise in America.

Huck: You're gonna get sued!

Craig: No, I'm not.

Huck: It's true, you're going to get sued!

Craig: I'm not going to get sued.

Huck: Don't worry, being sued isn't the end of the world.

Craig: (sneezes) I'm (sneezes) not (sneezes) getting (sneezes) sued!

Huck: Did you just sneeze on me?

Craig: Yes, because I'm allergic to your kind...

Huck: You're allergic to dogs?

Craig: No...retards.

Huck: Oh, really?

Craig: Yeah.

Huck: I'm actually not retarded.

Craig: What?

Huck: That was a lie to cover up the fact I'm running an illegal gambling rig...

Craig: I knew it!

(James walks in.)

James: Knew what?

Craig: Huckleberry over there is running an illegal gambling rig?

James: It's against code regulations.

Huck: What are these code regulations I've never heard of these regulations.

James: They regulate the "Evil Alliance" code to help ensure that efficiency is high and not destroyed by "tom foolery"

Huck: Tom Foolery, I know that guy.

James: No you don't.

Huck: If I don't, how come I've got his name tattooed on my ass!

(Pause.)

James: What?

Huck: What, what?

James: What the what?

Craig: Stop saying what!

Huck: Uh...what?

James: Yeah...what?

Craig: You just said what again,

Huck: Who said what?

Craig: You said what!

James: Okay...okay...maybe, maybe we should stop saying "what".

Craig: Could you say it in "retardnese"?

James: Huh, why?

Craig: Huck over there is a retard.

James: No his not.

Huck: Damn straight I'm not, I am.

James: Who's not I am?

Huck: Tom Foolery.

(Pause.)

Huck: The guy I got his name tattooed on my butt.

James: Why did you get someone else's name tattooed on your ass?

Huck: Because Tom Foolery is my best friend.

James: No his not.

Huck: Maybe you're not.

James: I bet he doesn't exist doesn't he?

Huck: I bet you don't exist.

Craig: That doesn't make any sense.

Huck: What doesn't make sense, Chinese sweatshop workers?

Craig: Who...what?

Huck: You know, I tried to ask them to make sense and apparently "it's impossible to actually "make" sense".

James: Of course it's hard.

Huck: Yeah, yeah...I know that now.

James: You know that how?

Huck: How does anyone know anything?

Craig: You need to shut down your rig Huck.

Huck: What rig? The rig I started off with my Chinese sweatshop workers and I pretended to be retarded so I can pass it off as a charity case?

Craig: The very one.

Huck: Yeah well...I don't know Tom Foolery.

James: I knew it!

Huck: I know him through my rig.

James: What...but you just said?

Huck: I also said I used mustard to seduce my now ex-girlfriend but I didn't.

James: You liar!

Huck: It's a lying world you know James.

James: That's Smith to you.

Huck: Smith, James what's the difference?

(Pause.)

James: That's James Smith to you.

Huck: Yea, yeah...right Smith.

Craig: You must develop plans of how to shut down your rig.

Huck: What rig? Oil rig?

Craig: No, your gambling rig.

Huck: What's a rig?

Craig: You do know because you have one going!

Huck: No um...I don't know because I'm retarded.

Craig: Oh, are you now.

Huck: Yeah, retarded to the bone.

James: His just lying so you can forget the gambling rig problem?

Craig: He doesn't know about a rig is!

James: He does know and I'll prove it...

(Huck punches James to the ground.)

Craig: Good boy.

Huck: Damn straight I am.

James: You just punched me!

Huck: You're still conscious!

(Huck repeatedly punches James and then stops.)

Craig: That Smith was always a problem on you retards.

Huck: Yeah, so...how much money do you want to give to me?

Craig: Yeah well...

James: His just lying to you!

Craig: You're still awake!

Huck: I thought after the last beating you'd be in a coma!

James: I've got robot brain.

Craig: That's why James is always mean...his a robot.

James: I'm not a robot.

Huck: His a cyborg.

James: Yeah...I suppose.

Huck: This is why we must burn him to a stake!

James: What, why?

Huck: Cyborgs are like witches, bitchy and mean!

James: I'm not bitchy!

Huck: He admits it!

James: Admits what?

Huck: You're a robot!

James: What?

Huck: Okay, who wants to bet how long before Smith's going to fry to the ground!

Craig: Gambling rigs are illegal here, Huck!

Huck: I'm retarded.

Craig: Oh, okay...go about your business.

James: Can't you see his milking people out of their money!

Huck: And how.

Craig: You heard the blue dog, his mentally retarded.

James: No his not!

Huck: Shut up Robo-agent!

James: Hey...shut up.

Huck: You just shut up Smith, why hasn't anyone got the stakes yet!

(Pause.)

Craig: Oh, right...me right?

Huck: Yes you.

Craig: Right.

(Craig backs away and stops.)

Craig: Where's the local stake shop?

Huck: What do you mean?

Craig: I mean...where do I buy it?

Huck: There's some stakes in the basement.

James: Don't you dare boss, if you burn me Huck is just going to prey on greedy schmos!

Huck: I'm retarded.

James: No you're not!

Huck: Maybe you're not!

James: That doesn't make sense!

Huck: So does your face!

James: So does your mouth.

Craig: So does the basement!

(Pause.)

Huck: What does basement?

Craig: I saw a monster in the basement.

Huck: No you didn't.

Craig: You don't know!

Huck: You've been staying there the whole time!

Craig: Maybe so, but I'm a chicken!

(Pause.)

Huck: You're...you're...what chicken?

Craig: In my mind.

Huck: Go get the stakes!

James: I can't believe how crazy you are!

Craig: I can't believe James is a cyborg!

(Cut to Huck eating butter.)

Huck: I can't believe it's not butter!

Craig: What?

James: How come you get butter?

Huck: Got it from my good friend "Tom Foolery" when he lost the horse racing bet.

Craig: You got butter!

James: I can't believe you.

(A man wearing thick glasses walks up to Huck.)

Man: Hey Huck, I can't pay this week.

Huck: What?

Man: I...well, I betted against Quick Draw McGraw and I lost.

Huck: Really?

(Huck turns on the TV as Quick Draw is being interviewed.)

Interviewer: So Quick Draw, how do you feel about your loss?

Quick Draw: Just off.

Interviewer: Excuse me?

Quick Draw: Just, just...piss off I don't feel like talking.

(Quick Draw walks off as James turns the TV off as Huck is paving cement on the man's feet.)

Man: What are you doing?

Huck: Putting your feet in cement, funny isn't it?

James: What is this going to prove Huck?

Huck: Scaring him to pay.

Man: This isn't scary...just feels funny!

(Huck repeatedly whacks the Man over the head with the golf club.)

James: Why did you do that?

Huck: You're still alive! Craig get the stakes!

James: Don't let Huck do this, his gone insane!

(Huck whacks James over the head with a golf club.)

Craig: Um, isn't that assault?

Huck: This is what I say to your codes and regulations!

(Huck raises his rude finger up at Craig.)

Craig: Isn't that rude gesture?

Huck: Is that supposed to hurt?

(Huck whacks Craig over the head with a golf club.)

Huck: Take that!

Man: Oh man my head hurts.

Huck: Damn straight it should.

Man: Thank you "Free Range Huck" for making me realise the error of my ways!

(James gets up.)

James: What error, you did nothing wrong.

Huck: Oh no.

(Huck drops his golf club and punches James then Craig gets up.)

Craig: Oh no!

(Craig punches the man in the cement.)

Huck: Oh no again!

(Huck punches Craig as Quick Draw walks up behind him.)

Quick Draw: Oh no!

Huck: Don't!

(End credits.)


	4. The Gator from UNCLE

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck walking up to a vending machine.)

Huck: (singing) Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Claritine!!

(Huck puts a dollar bill through the vending machine and it comes out.)

Huck: Grrrrrr!

(Huck bangs the vending machine repeatedly as Craig walks over to him.)

Craig: Hello Huck!

(Canned audience laughter and applause.)

Huck: Hey Craig.

Craig: So, getting a drink from the vending machine, eh?

Huck: Yeah.

Craig: That's good, that's good. Someone's trying to steal a diamond to hack into the main computers of Alcatraz so they can use it as a base to make secret weapons of mass destruction?

Huck: This isn't some practical joke like "Saddam Hussein"?

Craig: No, no...no.

Huck: So, what do I have to do?

Craig: Wouldn't have a clue.

(Pause.)

Craig: I mean, uh...you have to help out an agent from UNCLE.

(Huck starts drinking a latté.)

Huck: Yeah, where's that?

Craig: Atlanta.

Huck: We live in Atlanta.

Craig: I mean near that damn "Adult Swim" that won't accept my ideas for anime! Anime is teh a wesome!

Huck: Yeah...(beat) whatever, I'll be leaving now.

(Huck walks off as James walks in.)

James: What was that about?

Craig: The first law of alchemy is equivalent exchange!

James: What?

Craig: InuYasha!

James: Boss, what are you...

(Craig kneels down and starts sniffing James' ass.)

James: Craig, what are you...

Craig: See you next time, space cowboy.

James: Craig!

(James slaps Craig.)

Craig: Okay, I'm better now.

James: What was that about?

Craig: Oh, I'm just a fan of anime.

James: Anime? What's that?

Craig: You don't know what anime is, thou shall be killed!

James: Isn't that Japanese ani...

(Craig pulls out a shotgun, cocks it and shoots James.)

Craig: What have I done? I've killed enough living soul! Aaaah!

(Craig points gun at himself as the scene drifts off as a gun shot is heard. Cut to "UNCLE" headquarters. Cut inside as Huck walks in.)

Huck: Hello, is this UNCLE?

UNCLE Boss: Hello, do I care?

(UNCLE Boss coughs.)

Huck: Yeah...so I came here.

UNCLE Boss: Wait a minute...what's your name?

Huck: Huck.

UNCLE Boss: Chuck?

Huck: Huck.

UNCLE Boss: Puck.

Huck: Huck.

UNCLE Boss: Suck?

Huck: No.

UNCLE Boss: Nuck?

Huck: Huh?

UNCLE Boss: Luck?

Huck: You're making no sense, it's Huck.

UNCLE Boss: Muck?

Huck: Who's...what are you talking about?

UNCLE Boss: Truck? Snuck? Ruck? Tuck? Duck? Buck? (BLEEP)?

Huck: No, it's...(sighs, beat) Huck.

(Wally Gator walks in.)

Wally: Someone was expecting me?

Huck: No.

UNCLE Boss: (BLEEP), this is your partner Wally Gator, trained in seventeen different styles of mortal combat...I hate that game. And his smart enough to make a guy's head explode for an utter, random reason and his a method actor from his time at Hanna-Barbara Studios in the '60s in America. Oh and he likes ponies.

Huck: It's Huck!

Wally: Nice to meet you.

UNCLE Boss: Yes, get to meet each-other...by touching each other.

Huck: Excuse me.

Wally: His a bit like that sometimes.

UNCLE Boss: I'll just be standing here, doing nothing...not even breathing or moving...or possibly also not blinking.

Wally: Did you hear?

Huck: Hear what?

Wally: About the dumb mission we have to go on?

Huck: Of course I have, why would I be here then?

Wally: Delivering pizzas.

Huck: I'm not a pizza delivery man!

Wally: What, now where's my pizza?

Huck: You're pizza...is on the stove, I'll go get it.

UNCLE Boss: Oh...someone's being cranky.

Huck: Who's talking to you?

Wally: Go get my pizza, dog!

Huck: I found that racist!

Wally: So is your face!

Huck: C'mon, let's go.

(Huck and Wally walks off. Cut to the Wally's cubicle.)

Wally: This is my workspace.

Huck: It is?

Wally: Yes...yeah it is.

Huck: It smells like crap.

Wally: So do you.

Huck: I smell like dog crap, there's a difference.

Wally: That you smell worse.

Huck: Exactly.

Wally: Well, we have to get working on the case.

Huck: Oh, was I supposed to bring my briefcase?

Wally: Um, no you were...

Huck: I was wasn't I?

Wally: No you weren't!

Huck: Shut up, I'm overreacting!

Wally: Don't tell me to shut up!

Huck: Yeah, well...you touch yourself at night.

Wally: Excuse me.

Huck: I said...you touch yourself at night.

Wally: I know you do.

Huck: Wait, why are we fighting?

Wally: I don't know, all I know is, you provoked it.

Huck: I provoke everything, don't I?

Wally: Probably.

Huck: C'mon, I've had enough of smelling your cubicle, let's get to work.

Wally: What's wrong with my cubicle?

Huck: It...smells.

Wally: Smells better then you.

Huck: I know, but...it still smells.

Wally: Well, c'mon let's research the going-ons at Alcatraz so we can catch those attempted-terrorists, damn diamond trying-to-be-snatchers.

Huck: Okay, to be my cubicle.

(Cut to Huck's cardboard box.)

Wally: This...is your cubicle.

Huck: Yeah.

Wally: It's small.

Huck: Yeah.

Wally: It's a box.

Huck: Yeah.

Wally: It's a cardboard box for that matter.

Huck: Yeah, I have to join up the high ranks before I get an actual cubicle.

Wally: Okay, so you don't want to research in my cubicle because...

Huck: It smells.

Wally: And you don't see the problem of researching in a cardboard box?

Huck: Nope.

(Pause.)

Huck: At least it doesn't smell.

Wally: But it's small!

Huck: Small is smell without the 'e', with the 'e' is bad. You got that?

Wally: Okay, whatever...our mission was planned to go ahead...seven minutes ago!

(Cut to Alcatraz. Inside Wally and Huck are walking in the dank, dark closed prison.)

Huck: Man, France sucks.

Wally: Shut up, we're here.

Huck: I know, just saying France sucks.

Wally: You barely know the place.

Huck: I know the place well enough to know I'm allergic to cheese!

Wally: Whatever, we're on our mission.

Huck: We are, this...this is my first mission, why didn't anyone tel...

Wally: Listen, okay you were asleep and...

(A man in a coat walks up to them.)

Man in Coat: Hello Mr. Gator and Mr. Hound.

Huck: Hello Man in Coat.

Man in Coat: Charmed.

Huck: You watched that show too?

Wally: Listen, we're here to take you down!

Huck: I'm here to take down cheese!

Wally: Okay, Huck's here to take down cheese, I'm here to take you down!

Man in Coat: You'll never get me Mr. Hound!

(Pause.)

Huck: I'm not after you.

Man in Coat: Wait, I thought the blue dog was Mr. Gator?

Wally: No, I am.

Man in Coat: Oh okay then...you'll never get me Mr. Gator!

(Dramatic chord.)

Wally: What are you going to do, huh?

Huck: Do you have cheese?

Wally: What, who...

Man in Coat: Why?

Huck: Because you have cheese, and if I was you, and I was me at the same time I would use cheese to take me down.

Man in Coat: Okay, who has cheese?

Huck: I thought you'd have cheese?

Man in Coat: Why would I have cheese?

Huck: I thought because...usually the bad guys have cheese.

Man in Coat: I'm allergic to cheese!

Huck: Really, so am I!

Man in Coat: Small world.

Huck: Yeah.

Wally: Hello, serious business here.

Huck: What type of cheese?

Man in Coat: Oh, any kind of cheese.

Huck: No kidding, so am I!

Man in Coat: Small world, huh?

Huck: Yeah, yeah.

Wally: Mission here.

Man in Coat: Oh will you shut up!

(Man in Coat grabs out gun and starts shooting Wally.)

Man in Coat: Yeah, so...how you're going?

Huck: Oh fine.

Man in Coat: Yeah, yeah.

Huck: Hey, how come it looks like Wally's been shot at.

Man in Coat: Because...he was annoying us?

(Pause as Wally continues being shot at.)

Huck: You don't shoot people who annoy you, you annoy them back!

Wally: Stop shooting me!

Huck: Man in Coat, I think that's enough.

Man in Coat: This gun is stuck.

Huck: How can a gun be stuck?

Man in Coat: I don't know!

Huck: Well, you tell me!

Wally: Shoot shooting me, I'm in absolute pain.

(Wally slips and falls on the ground in a puddle of blood. The gun shots stop.)

Man in Coat: Well...that was odd.

Huck: You son of a...

(Gun shots start firing at Wally again then they stop.)

Huck: You son of a...

(Gun shots start firing at Wally again then they stop.)

Huck: Listen, you killed my partner in this mission! Now...I think, should I kill you?

Wally: I'm not dead quite yet.

Huck & Man in Coat: SHUT UP!

Huck: Now, you must die!

(Huck grabs out his gun and starts shooting at Man in Coat.)

Huck: Take this! And this! And some of this!

Wally: Looks like a one-ride ticket to Hell, it's so cold...so cold!

(Wally coughs out blood while Huck continues shooting Man in Coat.)

Wally: Goodbye...cruel world.

(Wally lies down dead.)

Huck: You killed Wally! You killed him! You killed Wally!

(Huck stops shooting as Man in Coat falls down in another puddle of blood.)

Man in Coat: Oh man, so cold...so red.

(Huck kneels down.)

Huck: I hope you enjoy your stay in Hell you bastard!

Man in Coat: Before I die...I want to say something.

Huck: What's that?

(Huck stands back up.)

Man in Coat: I hope you die...a peasant's death.

(Man in Coat dies.)

Huck: Well, at least no one will commit cyber-terrorism.

(Pause.)

Huck: I can't believe you killed Wally.

(Pause.)

Huck: That was my job!

(End credits.)


	5. Change

(Opening credits. Cut to Craig's office. Huck walks in wearing a priest outfit.)

Craig: Did I say you could come in?

Huck: Well, I think the good Lord forgives you if you were masturbating.

Craig: What?

Huck: Masturbation, if you were masturbating before I barged in so rudely, by the way I'm sorry...then all you need to do is repent and God will forgive you.

Craig: No...God, since when did you worship God?

(James walks in.)

Craig: Would people have common manners to knock!

James: Sorry, but didn't you hear...it's the new Huck?

Craig: The new Huck, what was the matter with the old Huck?

Huck: The old Huck's gone.

Craig: Where did he go?

(Pause.)

Craig: To the mall?

Huck: No, I'm here.

Craig: No, where's the old Huck?

Huck: I am the old Huck, I just changed so...now I'm new.

James: Yeah.

Huck: I think we need a special God week.

Craig: God week?

Huck: Yeah.

Craig: Well, most of all us are atheists.

Huck: Really?

Craig: Yeah, it'll be intolerant to other religions.

Huck: Intolerant to other religions?

Craig: Yeah.

Huck: What religions?

(Pause.)

Craig: The Jews for one.

James: And the Muslims, don't forget the Muslims.

Craig: Catholics...

Huck: Christianity and Catholicism are the same thing!

Craig: Maybe in your eyes.

Huck: Maybe...but we're going to get that (BLEEP)ing God Week and celebrate God like normal Christian people and you'll all enjoy it you (BLEEP)ing...

James: Gloop.

(Pause.)

Craig: Hahahahaha! Poop.

Huck: What?

James: I just said Gloop because...

Huck: WHY? WHY DID YOU (BLEEP)ING SAY POOP?

James: I said Gloop.

Huck: Whatever!

James: Well...Gloop is my mentor in Scientology.

Huck: Scientology huh?

Craig: Tom Cruise is gay.

(Pause. Huck grabs out a shotgun and shoots Craig.)

James: OH MY GOD!

Craig: Tell Chris I hate him before I die. I want to see the look on his face.

Huck: I said we're going to have a God Week, and we're going to have a (BLEEP)ing God Week, you got it you (BLEEP)ing jackass!

James: But workplaces are supposed to learn about being religiously diverse.

Huck: This is what I say about your religious diversity!

(Huck shoots the wall up in the air.)

Huck: I'm the new Boss; we're going to have a God Week, end of story!

(Huck walks off.)

James: Um...okay.

(Huck walks back in.)

Huck: Forgot my car keys.

(Huck grabs them and walks off. Cut to the next day as the office has become a shrine to God and Jesus when Huck walks in.)

Huck: Okay, back to work on making this God's sanctuary.

(Huck sits down.)

Huck: Okay.

(Pause.)

Huck:(to intercom) Everyone in here.

(Everyone is inside as the door closes in the office.)

Huck: Everyone, God Week is starting right now!

Everyone: Huh? What?

Huck: We're all celebrating God...by building a big statue of him.

Chris: Um...I like God as much as the next guy, but aren't we supposed to be on a mission?

Huck: Yes, the mission to spread God's good work and faith among humans.

Everyone: Auugh.

Chris: Okay, we'll do it just for that reason.

(Huck stands up.)

Huck: YEAH YOU WILL DO IT, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T...I'LL GRAB MY (BLEEP)ING GUN AND I'LL (BLEEP)ING BLOW ALL YOUR (BLEEP)ING HEADS OFF! IS THAT (BLEEP)ING CLEAR!

Everyone: SIR! Yes sir!

(Everyone walks outside as Chris is walking with James.)

Chris: Something seemed different about Huck; he isn't usually this religious...or violent.

James: He discovered God...and blind violent rage I suppose.

Chris: Also what happened to the boss?

James: Huck shot him.

(Huck stops Chris and James in their tracks.)

Huck: Talking about something.

James: No...were you...um, talking?

Huck: Well, I suppose I know what I could do to pity little liars.

James: What's happened to you?

Huck: What's happened to me! I found God, and God's going to get pissed if I don't convert the whole world by the end of the month.

James: What?

Huck: To the chamber.

(Cut to James in a chamber.)

James: Get me out! Huck's insane! It's a man-hunt, a man-hunt!

(Chris goes and visits his cell.)

Chris: You owe me two bucks.

(Pause.)

Chris: From the poker game...

James: SHUT UP!

(Cut back to the near the office as Huck is seeing everyone build the statue.)

Huck: C'mon, let's keep it moving here folks.

(Nerdy Co-Worker walks up to Huck with a pick-axe in his hand.)

Nerdy Co-Worker: Oh Mr. Hound, sir...I'm afraid I can't do this.

Huck: And why not?

Nerdy Co-Worker: I'm not Christian...I'm Jewish.

(Huck grabs out a shotgun.)

Huck: You've got to 3!

Nerdy Co-Worker: No please don't!

Huck: 1.

Nerdy Co-Worker: I'll convert.

Huck: Wouldn't be the same. 2.

Nerdy Co-Worker: I'm going to die!

Huck: 3.

(Huck shoots Nerdy Co-Worker as everyone gasps as Huck walks up to another co-worker and puts a gun to their head.)

Huck: All religious people who DON'T worship God shall be killed.

(Huck shoots co-worker.)

Co-Worker 2: Why did you shoot him?

Huck: He was pissing me off with his eyes.

(Pause. Huck steps closer.)

Huck: You piss me off as well.

(Cut back to the cell.)

Chris: And I can't believe no one respects me.

James: Yeah, well...half of Nerdsville sector liked you.

Chris: I'm talking about now.

James: Oh.

Chris: Yeah.

James: Maybe it's because...of the rumours.

Chris: Wait, what rumours?

James: The rumours...oh you don't want to know.

Chris: I want to know; c'mon...I'll do anything.

James: Okay, if I tell you the rumours will you talk Huck into letting me go.

Chris: Okay, done and done.

James: People say you have sex with fish.

Chris: You serious?

James: No.

(Pause.)

James: Oh, wait...I am.

Chris: Okay.

James: Chris.

Chris: Yeah.

James: Chris, that's why no respects you.

Chris: Because of a silly rumour? C'mon.

James: Okay, I told you the rumour now you gonna do your part.

Chris: Um, yeah...sure.

(Cut back near the office.)

Huck: And God smited Moses...with a pot of coffee.

Co-Worker 2: You serious?

Huck: Yeah...you still piss me off.

Co-Worker 2: I should really go back to work.

Huck: You're not working!

Co-Worker 2: Well you were talking...you know, to me so...I was listening.

Huck: Get back to work!

(Huck shoots Co-Worker 2.)

Huck: You're going to build the statue and I'll get ready for the play.

Co-Worker 3: What play boss?

Huck: The play where we celebrate the birth of Jesus!

Co-Worker 3: I'm Hindu...kinda.

(Pause. Huck shoots him. Huck plasters a poster for the play on the wall.)

Huck: Scripts will be in tomorrow by then your statue better be ready!

(Cut back to the dungeon.)

Chris: And better pizza is made from 70/30 productions.

James: Weren't you supposed to do something earlier?

Chris: What?

James: Like convince a certain someone to get me out of here?

Chris: No.

(Pause.)

Chris: I was?

James: Yeah.

Chris: Really?

James: Yeah...really.

(Huck walks up to the prison cell.)

Huck: What are you doing with James, Chris?

Chris: Nothing.

James: Tell him now, this is your chance!

Chris: Chance for what?

James: You know.

Huck: Letting you go?

(Pause as James' jaw drops.)

James: How did you know?

Huck: Listen pal, I won't let you go, and you're (BLEEP)ing lucky that I don't blow your (BLEEP)ing brains out right (BLEEP)ing now you prick.

(Huck walks away.)

James: Damn it Chris, when Huck comes back here you convince him and...

(Chris suddenly gets shot and falls down as Huck walks back in.)

Huck: Oh yeah...I killed Chris, and I'll kill you pal...I'll kill you, if you escape, I'll kill you if you're not Christian by the end of the week, I'll kill you because you're in the same religion as Tom Cruise and Gleep!

(Huck shoots the air and walks away to a dramatic sting. Cut back to the building room where two men look over their scripts.)

Co-Worker 3: Okay...so, who am I?

Co-Worker 4: Says here you play a Jew.

(Huck walks in.)

Huck: Which makes you a bad guy.

Co-Worker 3: Why...what did the Jew do?

Huck: The Jews killed Jesus, you're a Jew!

Co-Worker 4: It's been proven that Jews didn't kill Jesus that the...

(Huck shoots Co-Worker 4.)

Huck: Now that we're got Ross out of the picture, let's talk about your part.

Co-Worker 3: About...being the evil Jew?

Huck: Yes, Jews are evil.

Co-Worker 3: You know, it's nice that you found religion and changed your ways, but...you're starting to become evil.

(Huck shoots Co-Worker 3.)

Huck: Christians aren't evil! People who aren't Christians are evil...Bill.

(Cut to James in the dungeon.)

James: Okay...I'll get there by...by...how I will get out of here!

(Pause, the chains break apart and James drops down to the ground.)

James: Wow, that was considerably lucky.

(James looks at a shot-gun near the broken chains.)

James: This is an odd place to leave a shot-gun.

(James picks it up and runs out. Cut back to the building room as Huck looks at the statue.)

Huck: That statue looks a little off; don't you reckon it's a little off Jesus?

(Cut to Jesus standing next to Huck.)

Jesus: Yeah, that doesn't look like me at all...looks more, like...Jim Cazivel.

(Jesus gets shot.)

Huck: JESUS!

(Huck kneels down next to Jesus.)

Huck: Why did you die...like this.

(Quick Draw McGraw walks in with a pistol.)

Quick Draw McGraw: I had to do that Huck...I just had to do that because you were starting to become very...

(Huck shoots Quick Draw McGraw. Cut to James lurking in the halls with his shotgun to dramatic music.)

James: HUCK! OH HUCK! SOMEONE IS DISOBEYING THE RULES OF THE BIBLE! OH HUCK!

(James opens a bit of the wall that swerves over and walks in and closes it and is now in the bathroom.)

James: HUCK...ARE YOU IN THEIR?

(James walks out the door and turns around and starts firing off his shotgun, it's revealed he shot the "Man in Coat" from "The Gator From UNCLE".)

James: That's for shooting Wally Gator in the last episode...oh Huck...

(Huck turns around and looks at James.)

Huck: JAMES!!

(Huck pulls out his shotgun and quickly shoots James to his death.)

Huck: I killed you! Ha yes!

(Gloop hops in.)

Huck: Gloop...what are you doing here this isn't some sort of...of...Scientology and...

(Gloop pulls out a shotgun and shoots Huck, then bobs off. End credits.)


	6. Huck's Brother

Opening credits. Cut to Huck in his cubicle with James.)

James: And Bush...raising taxes...how could he...how could...he?

Huck: Politics isn't really my thing...

James: What is your thing?

Huck: Avoiding my brother Chuck.

James: You have a brother named Chuck?

Huck: Here's...kinda like my evil twin...with a goatee.

James: Really?

(Huck holds up a letter.)

Huck: And according to this letter, his coming over to the "Evil Alliance" to see how I'm going.

James: I suppose...that'll be nice.

Huck: I hate my evil twin brother Chuck with a goatee.

James: Uh...why?

Huck: Because he killed my parents.

James: Oh...I'm sorry.

Huck: With boredom.

James: Excuse me.

Huck: He killed my parents with boredom.

James: You mean he just made your parents bored?

Huck: No...he KILLED my parents...with boredom.

James: I found that hard to believe.

(Craig walks into the cubicle.)

Craig: Huck, your Evil Alliance double is here!

Huck: About time...

(Chuck (basically Huck with a goatee) walks in with two suitcases.)

Huck: That's not my...Evil Alliance double.

Craig: I KNEW HE HAD THE FACE ALL WRONG!

Huck: That's my brother...my...my brother Chuck.

Chuck: Hey, guys.

Craig: AND HE DOESN'T SOUND ANYTHING LIKE YOU EITHER!

Huck: That might be because...his...my...evil...twin brother!

Chuck: Oh, there you go again Huck...assuming that I'm evil just because I have a goatee.

Craig: You know how much I feel like punching myself in the face right now!

Huck: What Craig?

Craig: You know how I feel like punching myself right now!

Huck: Then do it!

Craig: Okay...but I'm a pretty powerful punch!

(Craig punches himself in the face really hard and he falls on the ground.)

James: Will he be okay?

Craig: (V.O) Call the doctor!

Huck: He'll be fine!

Craig: (V.O) I think my nose is broken.

Huck: Keep fighting Craig, keep fighting.

Chuck: So anyway...

Craig: (V.O) Now my nose is bleeding...is that normal?

Huck: Completely normal Craig.

James: That's not really anymore...

Huck: Quiet, if he finds out it's not normal he'll want to go to the hospital...and we won't let him...but then he uses the excuse "I'll fire you" so we do go to the hospital and he gets treated better.

James: What's so bad about that?

Huck: Someone will have to pay the dough, and it ain't gonna be me, yo.

Chuck: Yeah...so I was thinking I could crash...at your place...Huck?

(Pause. Huck grabs a slab of wood and smacks Chuck over the head as he falls down.)

James: Why did you do that for?

Huck: Because...I ain't going to let him crash at my place! You see!

James: Why not...his your brother.

Huck: He'll kill me with boredom!

James: And we're back with this bull(BLEEP) again!

Huck: He bored my parents so much...their hearts exploded.

James: Really?

Huck: Yes and his going to kill us all if we don't put him back in the mental house!

James: I don't think that'll solve anything Huck.

Huck: Nah...it'll solve plenty!

Craig: (V.O) I think my face is melting now...is that normal?

Huck: Yep...it is!

James: OH MY GOD!

Huck: Don't worry...I won't let him die...I just won't get him to the hospital neither.

James: HIS (BLEEP)ING FACE IS MELTING!

Huck: Your face can't melt if you only punched it!

James: Listen Craig is telling the truth.

Huck: It's better then telling lies...like my brother Chuck.

James: Forget about Chuck! Craig's face is melting!

Huck: Have you ever noticed we call Craig, Craig...not Boss...because that's who he is...the boss.

James: Does that matter!

Huck: While his face is melting, I proclaim, that I shall be the new Boss.

James: Remember what happened last time?

Huck: I remember...

(Flashback. Cut to Huck piggy-back riding on Snagglepuss.)

Huck: HEE-HAW! WEE! This is fun!

Snagglepuss: Get off!

Huck: Go cowboy!

Snagglepuss: Get off my (BLEEP)ing back!

Huck: Fun!

Snagglepuss: I think my back just snapped!

Huck: Giddy up!

Snagglepuss: That's it!

(Snagglepuss explodes as Huck lands on his ass as man in a top hat walks in.)

Man in Top Hat: You're being evicted.

(A mime walks in and starts miming. Dissolve back to the present as Huck is smiling.)

Huck: Good times.

(A black man runs in.)

Jimmie Walker: DYNAMITE!

(Pause.)

James: That didn't happen Huck.

Jimmie Walker: What didn't happen?

James: I wasn't...talking to you.

Jimmie Walker: It's because I'm black isn't it!

James: Not at all!

Huck: Admit it James, you're a racist!

Jimmie Walker: You're a racist!

Huck: Yes, get all your friends and beat James up.

James: That's it! I'm taking Craig to the hospital!

(Huck smacks James over the head with a slab of wood as he falls to the ground.)

Jimmie Walker: Oh man...this dump is such a sausage-fest.

Huck: I agree.

Jimmie Walker: Know where I could get some action my blue brother?

Huck: Well...there's a strip club across the street.

Jimmie Walker: AWESOME!

Huck: But that's a male strip club. 

Jimmie Walker: OH (BLEEP)!

Huck: But...uh...there's a woman who hangs around the water cooler near the vending machine that's near the door to the exit.

(Pause.)

Jimmie Walker: Could you say that again...please?

Huck: There's a woman who hangs around the water cooler near the vending machine that's near the door to the exit.

(Pause.)

Jimmie Walker: Um...uh...um...

Huck: Uh...

Jimmie Walker: Okay.

Huck: We...cool?

Jimmie Walker: DYNAMITE!

(Napoleon Dynamite walks in.)

Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah.

Jimmie Walker: Dude, does Napoleon Dynamite work here now?

Huck: Um...I've never seen him around.

Napoleon Dynamite: Vote for Pedro!

Huck: (BLEEP) off dude!

Craig: (V.O) No swearing! There are kids about!

Huck: Craig...I thought you were dead!

Craig: (V.O) Nope...face still melting.

Napoleon Dynamite: GOD! GOD! GOD! GOD!

Jimmie Walker: Don't use the Lord's name in vain!

Napoleon Dynamite: Um...um...vote for Pedro.

Huck: Who the (BLEEP) is Pedro?

Napoleon Dynamite: I don't know dude...is that my tarts?

(Huck smacks Napoleon Dynamite over the head with a slab of wood as he falls to the ground.)

Jimmie Walker: Man...how many people are on the floor?

Huck: Quite a few.

(Craig stands up as his face is melting.)

Craig: Hey Huck...so, my face melting is natural!

Jimmie Walker: DUDE! GET THAT FACE CHECKED!

Huck: Are you that guy off Good Times?

Jimmie Walker: Maybe...

(Huck grabs a shotgun and pumps it and shoots the Black Man as blood splatters all over Huck and Craig.)

Craig: Why did you do that?

Huck: I hated Good Times!

Craig: Hey...what's Napoleon Dynamite and James doing done there?

Huck: I hated the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" and...James really bugged me.

Craig: Are they dead?

Huck: Don't worry...they're not dead.

Craig: That's a plus.

Huck: They're just both unconscious and have fractured skulls!

(Pause.)

Craig: Is that good...or bad?

Huck: Good.

Craig: I heard bad.

Huck: Well...it's good.

Craig: Good?

Huck: Good?

Craig: Yeah...good.

Huck: Good.

Craig: Say it...it sounds funny.

Huck: Good.

Craig: Good.

Huck: Wait...what sounds funny?

Craig: The word "Good".

Huck: That does sound funny doesn't it?

Craig: Um...good.

Huck: Yeah, good.

(Chuck stands up with a shotgun as there's a dramatic sting.)

Chuck: You knocked me out.

Craig: How's the fractured skull coming along?

Chuck: That's why my skull hurts so much!

Huck: Give me the gun Chuck.

Chuck: You gave me a fractured skull!

Huck: I'm aware of that!

Craig: So am I?

(Pause as Chuck stares at Craig's melting face.)

Chuck: Dude...that's not normal.

Huck: What's not normal?

Chuck: I was talking to you friend...

Huck: My boss?

Chuck: Yeah, whatever...you do know his face is melting right?

Huck: Yeah...

Chuck: I'll give you some gun therapy for that.

Huck: Gun therapy?

(Chuck shoots Craig as blood splatters on him and Huck.)

Huck: Wow...you killed my boss.

Chuck: You have a problem with that...brother?

Huck: Yeah I have a problem with that!

Chuck: And what's your problem?

Huck: I'll tell you my problem when you tell me your problem!

Chuck: I don't have a problem.

Huck: Then I suppose I should just tell you my problem then!

Chuck: Do tell!

Huck: I'll tell...when you tell me your problem!

(Pause.)

Chuck: Could you just tell me your problem?

Huck: With what?

Chuck: You know...

(Pause.)

Chuck: Me killing your boss.

Huck: Oh yeah! I wanted to kill my boss you bastard!

(Huck grabs the slab of wood and smacks Chuck over the head with it as he falls to the ground.)

Huck: Yeah...take that!

(Huck grabs his shotgun and pumps it several times and starts firing at Chuck as blood starts to splatter all over him.)

Huck: TAKE THAT!

(Huck stops shooting as his now almost fully covered in blood.)

Huck: Oh man...I need a shower.

(Huck drops his shotgun as James stands up rubbing his forehead.)

James: What went on here?

Huck: Um...you don't remember what happened here?

James: No...not really...hey, why's the floor covered in blood?

Huck: Yeah...

James: And why are you covered in blood?

Huck: Well...I had a bloodbath.

James: Is that Craig and...Napoleon Dynamite done there?

Huck: Uh...I think.

James: Who's that guy that's down there...he looks like you, except with a goatee?

Huck: Um...it's my Evil Alliance Double.

James: Really...they got the face all wrong.

Huck: I agree.

(Napoleon Dynamite stands up.)

Napoleon Dynamite: I just asked if he had my tarts.

(The music to the ending theme starts up as James and Huck both look at Napoleon Dynamite angrily as James grabs a shotgun and shoots him. End credits.)


	7. Christmas

(Opening credits. Cut to the exterior of the Evil Alliance as a snow-machine is blowing out fake snow, cut inside as all the employees and Craig (except Huck) are standing up in Craig's office.)

James: Isn't nice to have the warm Christmas spirit...

Craig: There's fake snow outside...

James: Because it doesn't snow in Atlanta Craig.

Craig: Hey...since it's summer and all, does that mean the snow's going to melt?

James: Probably.

(A gun shot goes through the roof.)

Bill: What the Hell was that?

(Huck (dressed up as Santa Claus and has a bottle of beer in old hand) falls in the gun shot hole and falls on top of Craig.)

Bill: How come Huck is Santa Claus this year?

James: Because it's his first year in the Evil Alliance and um...yeah.

Bill: Hey...how come a lot of Hanna-Barbara actors are coming to Atlanta?

James: Probably trying to get a low profile.

Craig: Nice to see you Huck.

Huck: (drunk) What?

(Chris walks in, in an elf outfit.)

Chris: This makes me look like a fag.

(Huck stands up and wobbles.)

Huck: (drunk) It makes you look like a what...cigarette?

James: Huck, are you drunk?

Huck: (drunk) Maybe...all I know is, I like elves.

Ross: Hey...should Santas be drunk?

Huck: (drunk) Yes they should...you know why?

(Huck grabs a shotgun and aims it at Ross.)

Huck: (drunk) Because I'll kill you.

Chris: What...maybe James should be Santa this year.

James: Huck...calm down.

Huck: (drunk) You don't tell me to calm down!

James: Listen you don't really know what you're saying!

Huck: (drunk) Really...I don't know what I'm saying?

James: Yes.

(Craig stands up.)

Craig: Well...it's time for everyone's Christmas Bonuses.

Huck: (drunk) That's the reason I live...for the money!

Craig: Here's the bonus.

(Craig hands Huck a toy train.)

Craig: Enjoy it.

Huck: (drunk) What the (BLEEP) is this for?

Craig: Your kids.

Huck: (drunk) Yeah it'll be useful...IF I HAD (BLEEP)ING KIDS!

James: We picked you to be Santa Claus this year so you can feel a bit more comfortable...

Huck: (drunk) This is what I saying to your toy train!

(Huck shoots Craig.)

James: OH MY GOD!

Chris: Can't we just hand out the presents?

Huck: (drunk) Yeah...my gun!

Ross: Why did you shoot the boss for?

Huck: (drunk) A (BLEEP)ing toy train! A (BLEEP)ing toy train! WHAT KIND OF (BLEEP)ING CHRISTMAS BONUS IS THAT!

Bill: Maybe, it'll be better if we just cut our losses and move on...

(Bill gets shot by Huck.)

James: Okay Huck, as your superior I'll have to fire you.

Huck: (drunk) I don't really see why you HAD to have me as an agent anyway! You see why...I don't see why? Do you still see why?

James: Because we had to hire you because we were running out of agents so...

Huck: (drunk) Listen, I don't care.

James: ...we had to hire you because we had a shortage of agents.

Huck: (drunk) HALLE (BLEEP)ING LUIAH!

James: I didn't even know you were an alcoholic.

Huck: (drunk) WELL (BLEEP)YOU THEN, HUH!

(Huck grabs his shotgun and aims it at James' head. Dramatic sting.)

James: You wouldn't dare!

Huck: (drunk) Dare what?

James: Just don't dare!

Huck: (drunk) Dare what dare?

James: You know what I mean.

(Pause.)

Huck: (drunk) Um...uh...um.

Ross: Listen...we just have to...settle this through.

Huck: (drunk) OH (BLEEP) YOU!

(Huck shoots Ross.)

James: Why are you acting like this?

Huck: (drunk) Because I hate Christmas!

James: IT'S THE HAPPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

Huck: (drunk) Yeah...if you're in Disneyland.

Chris: So...are we going to hand out the presents out...or what?

Huck: (drunk) They will be no presents this year!

Chris: What? But we had a secret Santa and…..

Huck: (drunk) Listen, I'd sell my soul to get those presents back, but unless Satan just appears out of nowhere and gives us the presents in the exchange for my soul then fine.

(God appears in the puff of smoke.)

God: That can be arranged.

James: OH MY GOD, IT'S GOD!

God: Huck, if you give me your soul I will give you and your co-workers the presents you so desire.

Chris: He said he'd sell his soul to SATAN, since when did God get people's souls?

God: Since Bizarro Satan got him out of a (BLEEP)ing job.

James: Bizarro Satan……….what, what about normal Satan?

(Huck vibrates as his eyes turn red and wings pop up and turns into Satan.)

Satan: I AM SATAN!

God: Since Satan possessed Huck last week.

James: No, last week Huck killed his brother Chuck.

God: You don't know anything, I'm God!

Chris: You've made that painstakingly clear now.

(Nerdy Intern walks in with a carton of coffee.)

Nerdy Intern: Who ordered the coffee?

(Satan breathes fire all over the Nerdy Intern as he jumps up and down.)

Nerdy Intern: I'M ON FIRE! HELP ME! I'M ON FIRE!

(Chris quickly looks for something, and grabs a can of gasoline and pours it all over Nerdy Intern as the fire erupts, making him explode.)

James: (covered in Nerdy Intern's blood) Ugh, gross! That nerdy intern's blood.

Satan: Blood is my nectar!

(Satan grabs a knife and stabs Chris as his blood sprays into Satan's mouth as a Huckbot wobbles in.)

Huckbot: I am Huckbot! I am Huckbot!

God: What the (BLEEP)!

James: Okay, this is getting crazy, I'm getting outta here!

(James tries to open the door but is unsuccessful.)

James: What the Hell?

Satan: I WANT MORE BLOOD!

God: Who wants chicken's blood!

Satan: Me!

(God grabs a pipe and smacks Satan over the head with it. Silence.)

Huckbot: (shaking around, sailor music starts) Port and Starboard will crawl, terry ho, ho! Blow the man down

James: Shut up!

Huckbot: (starts shaking around and sailor music stops) Access denied.

God: James, grab the knife and stab Satan with it and look for his soul.

James: How do you know my name?

God: I'm (BLEEP)ing God, what else?

James: Well, okay………why don't you grab the knife and stab him and look for Huck's soul.

God: Because I'm holding the knife you idiot!

James: Wow……….God called me an idiot.

God: What are you, a (BLEEP)ing fag suck-up?

James: For God, you sure ain't what I thought you would be from the bible.

God: That bible got it all wrong, that damn Dan Brown!

James: Dan Brown? The author of "The Da Vinci Code"?

God: What…….that isn't the bible?

James: No.

God: What about that book talking about Jesus and what not?

James: Yeah, that's the bible.

God: Okay……

Huckbot: I am…..Huckbot.

James: So?

Huckbot: Your wish is my command.

James: The bible is right….

God: Huckbot, grab the knife in Satan's hand and stab him in the stomach.

Huckbot: Yes, sir.

(Huckbot grabs the knife from Satan and stabs him in the stomach as blood sprays out.)

God: You hit an artery!

James: I don't even know why we're celebrating Christmas in Summer anyway.

God: Because the……….apocalypse is coming!

(Dramatic sting.)

James: No, I don't think that's the reason…..

(Huck explodes out of Satan's stomach and lands on Huckbot as Huckbot starts shaking around.)

James: Oh look, Huck's out.

God: Isn't there more employees than this?

James: There are all on summer vacation.

(Satan awakens.)

Satan: Oh man, what the Hell?

Huck: Who built this robot that resembles me!

(A mummy walks in.)

Mummy: I did because after all these….

(Huck grabs his shotgun and shoots the Mummy.)

James: Why did you kill that Mummy for?

Huck: That sicko built a robot version of me.

Huckbot: (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)!

Huck: A robot version of me that bleeps itself.

Satan: What are you doing here God?

God: Wait a minute, I recognize that voice…

(God pulls off Satan's mask revealing it's Santa Claus. Dramatic sting.)

James: Santa Claus!

Huck: What a twist!

(A paparazzi pops up.)

Paparazzi: Hot scoop!

(Paparazzi takes a photo and bobs down.)

Santa Claus: Okay, I dressed up as Satan!

James: But you possessed Huck?

Santa Claus: Yeah…

James: While dressed up as Satan?

Santa Claus: Yeah.

James: I didn't even know you were evil….

Santa Claus: I am, read the bible.

James: But you're not mentioned on the bible!

Santa Claus: I am, read closer!

God: That's what I keep telling him!

James: Well excuse me!

Huck: If Santa Claus is Satan, who's Santa Claus?

Santa Claus: I am?

James: Okay, now where's the real Satan?

Santa Claus: There is no Satan, there's a Bizarro Satan.

James: What……..this doesn't make sense!

Huck: Of course it does.

(Huck slides off the Huckbot as the Huckbot grabs a shotgun and starts shooting wildly up in the air.)

James: What the Hell is going on?

Huckbot: Huckbot! Huckbot away!

(Huckbot flies through the roof.)

James: Where's a ladder, I'm getting out of here….

(James starts walking off.)

James: ……….worst day of my life.

(James walks off completely.)

Huck: He seemed nice.

God: Who? James?

Huck: No…….that Huckbot.

Santa Claus: Didn't seem like such a bad guy now didn't he?

Huck: Nope.

God: Yep, I usually don't allow robots in heaven because they don't have souls, but I'll allow him.

Huck: And me?

God: You……you…….I don't usually allow dogs either because they have no souls, but….I'll allow you too.

Huck: Yes!

Santa Claus: What about me?

God: You can go to Heaven too!

Santa Claus & Huck: Yes!

God: In fact, everyone in this room is going to Heaven!

(James grabs a ladder and starts walking back in.)

James: Even me?

God: No, you're going to Hell.

James: Why me? Huck's the one who's been shooting everyone in EVERY episode of this damn series, his unapologetic, he doesn't care about anyone else but himself, his a self-centered jerk that doesn't deserve to have a second season….

(Huck gets up and shoots up into the air. Dramatic sting, brief pause.)

Huck: Oh boo-hoo! Look at me, I'm some nerd who is watching these episodic events in this particularly serial, or series, year! I'm only watching this so I can complain about it so I can bitch and moan it's taking up space on MY precious [adult swim, er, life of watching episodic events! If you don't like it, stop (BLEEP)ing watching this (BLEEP)ing events and ratings, er, uh…my reputation will go down I'll be cancelled, er, I meant fired and I'll go away! YOU STUPID PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT WATCH ELEVEN MINUTE EPISODIC EVENTS JUST SO YOU CAN BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT ON YOUR PRECIOUS MESSAGEBOARDS, YOUR CLUBS, YOUR STUPID BLOGS! Fine, you do that, waste your (BLEEP)ing life, fine you don't like I'm basically like person in this crazy [adult swim I call life, boo-hoo! Cry us a river, because your opinions don't matter! I tell you what (BLEEP)ing matters, ratings. So if you don't like it, stop watching, thus you'll stop (BLEEP)ing bitching and moaning, then actual people who like witnessing my little escapades week-by-week won't that to listen to your stupid complaints and can witness these events in (BLEEP)ing peace! That counts for all those other people who bitch and moan about events in life or as some nerdy nerd nerds like to call, it [adult swim. Fact is James, no one cares about your opinions, there will be a second season of events, because enough people are witnessing this events, so you have to get used to flicking around for eleven minutes to actually witness an event you actually want to witness, instead of wasting your time and everyone's else's time bitching and moaning on the message boards and those people's time won't be wasted. I don't care that you don't like these events, but that fact that week by week, day by day, minute by minute, second by second, (BLEEP)ing event by event is when I come in. James, (BLEEP) you, go watch (BLEEP)ing anime you (BLEEP)ing nerds!

(Dramatic sting, brief pause. Huck walks off.)

God: Whoa, I did not see that coming, did you?

(End credits.)


	8. Huck of Arabia

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck wearing a Saudi Arabian robe while riding on a camel in the Saudi Arabian desert)

Huck: (thinking) I ride on my camel as I see Saudi Arabia, I see the happy townsfolk…

(A male citizen stabs a female citizen and sets her on fire and runs around her throwing salt in the air. Cut back to Huck.)

Huck: (thinking) The playful animals…

(Cut to a tiger, a zebra, a camel and a lion lying on the ground around a bong.)

Tiger: So………how's the hammer hanging?

Zebra: I'm a girl zebra.

(Cut back to Huck.)

Huck: (thinking) I laugh and think…….this is Saudi Araba-ia. Then there are those good-for-nothing terrorists and the fact they have no beer is very suspicious. That is why I'm here, to stop all those damn terrorism cells and….things.

(Cut to a Saudi Arabian man riding on a camel behind Huck.)

Saudi Arabian Guide: Mr. Hound, your hotel up north.

Huck: Thanks Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda (pronounced: cal-a-meyer-a-cal-meyer-cal-cal-cal-fu-ck-da).

Saudi Arabian Guide: My name is Greg.

Huck: Yeah, yeah, I've been around Saudi Arabia before.

(Cut inside a hotel as Huck and the Guide are at the front desk.)

Huck: I'm with the E-VIL ALLIANCE! I'm with them, I demand a free room!

Greg: He can't understand English.

Huck: When I'm here, you learn to speak my language Mr. Foreigner.

(Brief silence.)

Huck: That's better.

(Huck takes the keys and walks off as Greg walks up to Huck and follows him.)

Greg: You cannot take the keys!

Huck: Can and did.

Greg: You got to put those keys back before he calls the police.

Huck: Yeah, right, as if his going to call the police.

Greg: Well you didn't pay your fees.

Huck: So?

Greg: So…….I can see why the Evil Alliance shipped you off here to do this mission instead of someone more competent.

Huck: I am competent; the Evil Alliance made me do this because they want me to get into the big time action.

(Cut to the halls of the "Evil Alliance" with signs reading "Huck's Gone Party" with a drunken Craig wobbling back and forth.)

Craig: Okay, okay, okay, okay……..

(Craig falls down as everyone walks down at him.)

James: You okay Craig?

(James kicks Craig's head.)

James: He looks pretty bad.

Bill: His faking!

(Cut back to the halls of the hotel in Saudi Arabia.)

Huck: You remind me of a guy I work with he always gets on my back about things. I think his name's Quinn, or Frylock, or James, or Moltar or some piece of crap.

Greg: Listen, you can't roam around like you own the place.

Huck: NO you listen, I'm here to find terrorists and that's what I'll do!

(Huck grabs a pamphlet)

Huck: Now tell the hotel I want this, drink called The Cat, sounds interesting.

Greg: You know, that is just cat pus.

Huck: Really?

Greg: Mainly, the pus is from cats that died from….uh, AIDS.

(Huck starts laughing)

Huck: Cats with AIDS, now I've heard everything. Give me the drink.

Greg: Okay. You're the boss.

Huck: Damn right I'm the boss, not Bruce Springsteen or Judith Light or that Tony Danza, but me!

Greg: Who is…..?

Huck: Get me the damn cat pus!

(Cut to Huck's hotel room littered with coconut containers.)

Huck: Whoa, that cat pus, whoa, addictive stuff.

Greg: We're gonna die of Cat AIDS now, but damn it, it's worth it.

Huck: (laughing) Cat AIDS, now I've heard everything.

(Huck grabs a lamp and starts humping it.)

Huck: Man this cat pus is making me damn horny, where's the babes you hear about on the ESPN.

Greg: Whoa, hold on, listen we're here to stop terrorists, not (BLEEP) every woman we see, okay?

Huck: Especially if she were fat.

Greg: What?

Huck: You know, you wouldn't want to screw a fat woman.

Greg: Listen, I'm going to get out and get me some more cat pus, you stay here.

(Greg walks out as an elderly maid walks in.)

Huck: You're looking good for your age.

Maid: I'm 89 and I'm a virgin.

Huck: Time to get deflowered, elderly woman.

(Cut to Greg at the drink stand.)

Person at the Desk: And you want cat pus?

Greg: Yes, cat pus.

Person at the Desk: You know what these cats died of right?

Greg: Yes, Cat AIDS.

Person at the Desk: No, Cat Hepatitis C.

Greg: Oh well…..give it to me anyway.

Person at the Desk: I think the cat pus also includes trace amounts of cat pus.

Greg: Just give me the cat pus.

Person at the Desk: Yeah okay……..oh I think there's also some urine in the…

Greg: CAT PUS! Right now!

Person at the Desk: Mind you if I give you….zombie cat pus?

Greg: Whatever!

(Cut back to the hotel as Greg is carrying a large jar of cat pus as there are heaps of elderly women standing outside Greg and Huck's hotel room.)

Greg: What the Hell is going on?

Maid: OH! Baby, I love you.

(Greg walks inside and sees Huck in bed with an elderly lady.)

Greg: MOM!

(She pants as Huck is breathing in and out.)

Greg: Are you (BLEEP)ing my Mom?

Huck: Was, gave it to her doggy style too.

Greg: And did you (BLEEP) every other women outside.

Huck: Yes, this cat pus, made me so damn horny. We all took in turns.

Greg: You do know this all means we all have Cat AIDS now, right?

Huck: Cat AIDS!

Greg's Mom (Maid): Oh Huck baby, I love you.

Huck: I know you do.

Greg: Did you screw anyone else?

Huck: Yep…..everyone, well except guys I mean yeah, but I don't know what was in the cat pus but made my libido go through the roof.

Greg: Oh really?

Huck: Yep.

Greg: It made my libido go up too but I just jacked off.

Huck: Not the same.

Greg: So….you screwed my mother?

Huck: Yep, she was a demon in the sack.

Greg: You bastard, you gave my mother Cat AIDS.

(Greg tackles Huck out of the window and they roll off to a army tank.)

Greg: I've got…

Huck: DIBS!

(Huck runs off and jumps in the tank, the missile goes up and starts up as Greg looks at it.)

Greg: Okay, okay, okay, you win!

(The missile points straight at Greg.)

Huck: (V.O) I win what?

Greg: Everything! Just don't shoot!

(Greg runs off as Huck follows him with the tank.)

Greg; Don't shoot!

(Huck pops out.)

Huck: You don't think I would shoot you, Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda, ol' buddy?

Greg: (panting) It's….It's...(gulps) Greg.

(Huck climbs out and lands on the ground.)

Huck: Okay, what do I win?

Greg: You….that was a figure of speech and…

Huck: Listen, you said if I don't shoot, I'll win something.

Greg: No I didn't.

Huck: Well, something to that effect. Where's my winnings?

(Cut to the hotel room full of arcade games, pinball machines, a movie theatre system, a Ferrari is on display in the background as it cuts to Huck playing video games on a PS2 as Greg is lying in a cat's litter box.)

Greg: Okay, why do I have to lie in kitty litter?

Huck: Because with all of this kickass stuff you bought me there is absolutely no room for you anymore.

Greg: (V.O over shot of his bed) But that's my bed over there!

Huck: I know, but we ran out of cat pus so we're infecting cats with numerous diseases as we speak so we can milk it, then sell it to people and use the money to buy more drinks of infected cat pus. And uh, that's were the cats are all gonna sleep in.

Greg: (V.O) And where are the cats being milked?

Huck: In the army tank which I put in the bathroom.

(Cut to the army tank in the bathroom as a group of cats' screaming meows is heard. Cut back to the main room.)

Greg: Who's milking them?

Huck: I trained one cat to do all the milking and he'll teach all the other cats how to milk each other.

Greg: That's the most stupidest plan ever, there's cat pus at the lobby if you just get off your (BLEEP)ing ass and get some.

Huck: I said…….we ran out and I'm sticking to it!

(Cut to a cave with a campfire as three shadows are talking to each other.)

Man in Shadows #1 (V.O): We go to the US Embassy tonight, no?

Man in Shadows #2 (V.O): Yes, if only Bob remembered to bring the dynamite?

Bob (Man in Shadows #3) (V.O): Okay, I did!

Jimmie Walker: (V.O) Dynamite!

Man in Shadows #1 (V.O): Where did that guy come from?

Jimmie Walker (V.O): Duh-duh-duh-Dynamite!

Bob (V.O): He doesn't have a shadow, he must be Blacula!

Man in Shadows #2 (V.O): Blacula, will you join…..OUR TERRORIST GROUP!

(The camera pans quickly to reveal three terrorists with Jimmie Walker (who first appeared in "Huck's Brother" to dramatic music.)

Bob: Shut the hell up Steven!

Steven (Man in Shadows #2): You shut up.

Jimmie Walker: Dynamite!

Bob: Okay, Blacula's in.

Jimmie Walker: DYNAMITE!

Man in Shadows #1: SHUT UP, DO YOU WANT TO GET CAUGHT!

Bob: Why don't you shut up Jim?

Jim (Man in Shadows #1): No……..(to himself) you (BLEEP)head.

(Cut back to the hotel room Greg is now lying face down in the kitty litter as a cat is doing it's business on it's head while it's reading the paper as Huck is drinking, what he believes to be yellow vodka.)

Huck: This strangely yellow vodka is delicious!

(Greg quickly gets up.)

Greg: Don't drink that, that it's my collection of goat urine!

Huck: What…

(Huck vomits.)

Huck: Suck me off both ways and call me Betty, why do you have a collection of goat urine and why is there cat on your head?

Greg: I can explain the goat urine, um….in my previous life…..I was a goat and I peed in jars so when I "thought" I was going to be reincarnated as King of the Seamen, I would remember that was I goat…….the...that pissed a lot.

Huck: Ha! You said semen!

Greg: No…….not "semen", Seamen!

Huck: Haha! There you go again.

Greg: Seamen! Seamen! I like Seamen!

Huck: Do you like swallowing seamen?

Greg: I suppose you know esp……oh real mature.

Huck: Why would you want to be ruler of male fluids anyway?

Greg: I mean the seamen, the seaman that goes out to see.

Huck: Okay.

(Beat.)

Huck: You're a cannibal. You said you like swallowing sea-men.

Greg: No I'm not.

(Beat.)

Huck: Well, you smell like cat (BLEEP) .

Greg: So you're mocking me now.

Huck: Yeah, because you got cat crap in your head.

Greg: First off, on. And second…

(Greg pulls out a light-saber as the screen goes letterbox format as Huck pulls out a gun and shoots Greg. The screen then goes to normal format.)

Huck: Did that hurt so good?

(Beat.)

Huck: Greg?

(Greg's spirit raises up to the sky as he ends up in Heaven as he meets up with Buddha as there is a wheel with choices for reincarnation on it. Heavenly music plays.)

Greg: Buddha? But, I worship Muhammad!

Buddha: Yeah, you can't show Muhammad on TV, so that's what I'm here for.

(Buddha points to the wheel.)

Buddha: Now, it's time to play…

Audience: (chanting, V.O) WHEEL…….OF…..REINCARNATION!

(Heaven turns into the Wheel of Fortune set as Pat Sajak walks out on stage as the theme plays.)

Buddha: (V.O) With your host……Pat Sajak.

Pat Sajak: Hello, this is Pat "What the (BLEEP) am I doing in Heaven?" Sajak, with today's guest Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda!

(The audience claps.)

Greg: (over applause) It's….it's….Greg.

Pat Sajak: Now, Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda all you got to do is spin the wheel and the wheel decides what you get reincarnated as now.

Greg: Okay, here we go.

(Greg spins as it lands on "King of the Seamen".)

Greg: KING OF THE SEAMEN! Yes!

(Greg floats down yelling in excitement.)

Pat Sajak: Let me just say right now folks that the "A" is a typo.

(Cut to an airplane as Huck is sitting down on a seat with lots of luggage.)

Huck: Well, that vacation sucked donkey balls……at least the damn airport could have done is allow me to bring my army tank with me with the cats and the missiles inside.

(Cut inside as cat is about to touch a button with it's paw, it then does and a thousands of missiles are launched off. Cut to the US Embassy as the three terrorists and Jimmie Walker are standing nearby as Dracula (with moth-wings) flies up to Jimmie Walker.)

Dracula: Come here, Blacula!

Steven: Wait, Blacula don't go!

Jimmie Walker: Dynamite!

(Dracula flies off with Jimmie Walker as a missile hits them and they explode.)

Jim: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Steven: Did those wings look glued on to you?

Bob: How could this day get any worse?

(Cut to the border of Saudi Arabia as explosions rock the country. Cut to the Evil Alliance as Huck is standing before his co-workers (the sign "Huck's Gone Party" now has the gone crossed out and on top of it, it says "Back".)

James: So Huck, did you defeat the terrorist group?

Huck: What, hold on……I was supposed to stop terrorists?

James: That was the whole point of sending you to Saudi Arabia.

Huck: Oh…..it was too. How is that place going anyway?

James: Apparently the whole country got blown up and now it's no more.

(Beat.)

Huck: So……that's a good thing right, no more terrorists or women oppression?

(Beat.)

James: No

Huck: Oh….

James: And guess who caused the explosions?

Huck: Don Immus?

James: Someone who stole an army tank and then put cats in there so they can milk each other so that certain someone can make some drinks. You have any idea who THAT could've been?

(Beat.)

Huck: Those smartass cats?

(End credits.)


	9. Alone

Code Name Huck

Alone

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck banging on the front door of the "Evil Alliance".)

Huck: Hello! Hey! Hey! Hello! Hello! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hello! Hey! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hi! Hello! Hi! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

(Huck walks off. He then walks back in.)

Huck: Screw you guys, I don't need this job! I can live off…..um…..uh….uh….tampons.

(Huck walks off and then quickly walks back in.)

Huck: Or soft-lined panty liners.

(Huck walks off. Long beat. He walks back in, he then looks through the fisheye hole in the door.)

Huck: Come out! I know you guys are in there! Don't you pretend you're not in there, because I know you are! Is…..is that someone? Wait, no it's not….WAIT! No, WAIT! What the Hell no one's in there and I'm locked out! I bet they're planning……a surprise party for me! Planning an ol' surprise party for me and….they locked me out…..I bet they want me to go for the key.

(Huck walks off around the corner. Huck is now at the back of the office as he starts looking for a key.)

Huck: Okay key, where are you key? C'mon, c'mon key. C'mon now Mr. Key.

(A snake starts slowly slithering out of the bush.)

Huck: Hey, you're a snake……..go look for a key.

(Pause as it continues slithering.)

Huck: It should say my name; it's uh, for the Evil Alliance because they're planning a surprise party for me. They're gonna serve whiskey, pie and punch and nutcrackers. And the chocolate bars with the little wafers inside, it's gotta have that. Oh, and some cheese, just as long as they don't invite my long dead twin brother Chuck. Probably try to kill me with……I don't know…..natural gas or something. You heard of a beef log and a cheese log, yeah well at the party, they better serve beef cheese log so it'll motivate people to drink alcohol so people can get drunk. And women, definitely women, if they ain't women….then who I'm gonna rape? The couch? But that couch is a slut and looks hot when it dresses really like it's almost like not wearing anything. Yeah, that'll be great. That….that'll be definitely great. We'd all have to take turns though because there's only more couch…….unless I order in lots more and dress them up sexually, get everyone to have sex with the couches, film it and post it in on the internet and then make an assload of money and then I finally be able to buy "Sister, Sister" on DVD!

(The snake then bites Huck's leg.)

Huck: WHAT THE (BLEEP) ! THAT (BLEEP)ING SNAKE BIT ME ON THE (BLEEP)ING LEG, IT (BLEEP)ING WELL HURTS…….(breathes in and then out)…...

(Huck then starts screaming again as runs off and jumps through the window to get inside.)

Huck: I NEED FIRST AID, OR SECOND AID, OR THIRD AID, BUT MOSTLY FIRST AID BECAUSE FIRST AID IS BETTER THEN SECOND AID OR THIRD AID, BUT THEN AGAIN SECOND AID IS BETTER THEN THIRD AID, THIRD AID IS BETTER THEN NOTHING, WELL MAYBE EXCEPT FOR LIVE AID OR HEARING AID BUT STILL I NEED FIRST AID, BECAUSE THAT'S THE THING I NEED, NOT SECOND AID, NOT THIRD AID, NOT LIVE AID AND NOT HEARING AID BUT FIRST AID!

(Huck gets up. Long beat.)

Huck: Where the Hell is everybody? ……. Okay everybody you can pop up now I know why you guys are trying to do and yes I appreciate it but a ing snake bit me and I need attention from the medical, or the medical attention, or the medical to the attention, or the……well you guys know what I mean.

(Beat. A long beat.)

Huck: Where the Hell is everybody?

(Beat.)

Huck: Well I suppose I have to amputate this foot.

(Huck walks over to his cubicle and goes through his drawer and then grabs out a chainsaw and then looks at his feet.)

Huck: Now what foot did that father(BLEEP)ing snake bite me on? Mhm….mmmmmm…..mhmmmmm…..hmmmmm……mmmmmmm……mmmmmhmmmm….better amputate both of them.

(Huck swings the chainsaw and starts cutting off one foot, after the foot comes off blood starts spurting out then Huck revs up the chainsaw and then cuts off his other foot when more blood gets spurted out.)

Huck: I'll always remember these feet of mine.

(Cut to a camera shot of Huck's decapitated feet as it lies there. Cut to flashbacks of Huck walking in all sorts of places, grand canyon, up a hill, 3D place, live action place, clay place, Space Ghost Coast to Coast set, Brak Show neighborhood. The flashbacks stop as it cuts back to the feet then to Huck whose eyes are closed and then sheds a tear.)

Huck: Old memories.

(Cut to the First Aid place as Huck is heard in the background grunting, he then finally makes it to the bed in First Aid as he has left a trail of blood.)

Huck: (panting) I…….need…….some……new…..feet.

(Huck jumps off and finds two soccer balls.)

Huck: BALLS! Those are a nice pair of balls, I need those balls.

(Huck jumps on them and then falls off.)

Huck: Balls……soccer balls for my, feet.

(Huck starts moving slowly again. Long silence as he tries to make it around the corner and then finds a glue stick.)

Huck: Yes, yes…..glue stick!

(Huck starts kissing it as he squeezes it as the glue gets pushed into his mouth, Huck then moves slowly again. Cut back to the First Aid as Huck walks out with new his soccer ball feet, wearing a blue shirt, tie and a black jacket with a goatee starting to grow.)

Huck: I'm Black Guy Huck.

(A donkey walks up to him.)

Donkey: And I'm a donkey.

(Beat. A Long beat. Huck then swings out a knife and starts cutting up the donkey.)

Huck: I'm finally gonna suck some donkey balls!

(Cut outside of the Evil Alliance.)

Schoolly D: (V.O) And for seven years Huck was stuck in that old place, SEVEN YEARS! All alone. Oh man, I'm narrating for the wrong Adult Swim show.

(Cut back inside as Huck is staring at a campfire as he has grown a beard, is now dressed as a Indian, his soccer ball feet are now deflated.)

Huck: Thank God I haven't got crazy in this seventeen years, huh red stapler?

(Cut to a red stapler lying on the ground.)

Huck: You thought it was seven, what are you smokin?

(Cut back to the red stapler.)

Huck: That's it Wilson!

(Huck throws the stapler into the flames. Cut to the expression on Huck's face, he has now regretted his actions.)

Huck: No…..no…..I've killed my friend…..my dearest friend! My dearest oh dearest thing of……dear! WILSONNNNNNNNNNN! WILSONNNNNNNNNNNNNN! WILSONNNNNNNN! I shall take my anger out on this cursed top secret agent place!

(Huck grabs a shovel, starts running around and banging everything, ultimately wrecking everything.)

Huck: Oh no……I've wrecked everything! In my seven days of being stuck here, I've ruined everything!

(Huck pulls out a gun and points it to his head.)

Huck: I don't want to live anymore!

(Huck pulls the trigger as he blows his brains out. James and Craig walk in.)

James: What the Hell? Huck?

Craig: We were all only at Ross' bachelor party for seven hours and this is what he does?

(Craig kills Huck's corpse.)

Craig: He deserves to die.

(Schoolly D walks in.)

Schoolly D: Yo man, I'm Schoolly D can you guys point me to the way of…..

(The flaming red stapler jumps out and starts stapling staples in Schoolly D's forehead as blood pours it self all over James and Craig. Brief silence.)

James: You know what Craig, let's just go back to the party.

Craig: (overlapping) Agreed.

(End credits.)


	10. Radio Play

Radio Play

(Opening credits. Cut to inside a car as there is a radio. The camera pans up to the radio.)

Huck: (V.O) Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Testing, testing…

James: (V.O) We can hear you!

Huck: (V.O) Oh good…..what's up with our video communications system?

James: (V.O) Well, evil secret agents shot it down so now we have to talk through our radio systems.

Craig: (V.O) Hello?

James: (V.O) Boss, thank God you're here.

Craig: (V.O) You sound awfully manly to be a woman.

James: (V.O) What?

Craig: (V.O) Well okay…..um, so do I start this off or?

James: (V.O) Or what…..what are you talking about?

Craig: (V.O) The sex.

James: (V.O) What?

Craig: (V.O) The phone sex line.

James: (V.O) WHAT?

Huck: (V.O) No, it's a kids help line!

James: (V.O) HUCK!

Craig: (V.O) Well can we pretend it's a phone sex line.

James: (V.O) No it's not, we're all talking on a three-way radio signal.

Craig: (V.O) I'M ON THE RADIO!

James: (V.O) You're not on the radio! We were on a middle of a mission when….

Craig: (V.O) Hi Mom!

James: (V.O) It's……not…..A RADIO STATION!

Craig: (V.O) Mom, when I said I thought it was a phone sex line before, I didn't mean it…..I knew it wasn't.

James: (V.O) This isn't a radio you…

(Radio static noise.)

James: (V.O) …..head.

Craig: (V.O) It won't be with that attitude.

James: (V.O) OH! Shut the (more radio static) up!

Craig: (V.O) What did you say before?

James: (V.O) What, didn't you hear me?

Craig: (V.O) Yeah, there was some static.

(Beat.)

James: (V.O) Where did Huck go?

Huck: (V.O) Don't worry, I'm still here…..I'm just masturbating to pictures of Judi Dench.

James: (V.O) JUDI DENCH! WHAT THE (radio static) IS WRONG YOU!

Huck: (V.O) Wait…….Judi Dench isn't that hot girl off "The New Guy".

James: (V.O) Um…….no.

Huck: (V.O) Oh, okay.

James: (V.O) Thank God, we've got that cleared up.

(Beat.)

Craig: (V.O) Are we on the radio or not?

James: (V.O) NO!

Craig: (V.O) Okay, no need to be on your period.

Huck: (V.O) Okay, I'm done.

James: (V.O) Done what?

Huck: (V.O) Uh…….curing AIDS! What do you think, I was jerkin' it to pictures of that woman I thought was Judi Dench but in a caption here it says it's Eliza Dushku.

(Beat.)

Craig: (V.O) So you're not curing AIDS?

Huck: (V.O) No.

James: (V.O) Sick, you were masturbating?

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, I told you guys that.

James: (V.O) No you didn't!

Huck: (V.O) Whether I did or didn't is not the point…….but I did.

Craig: (V.O) Did what? Cure AIDS?

(Beat.)

Huck: (V.O) Uh……

James: (V.O) Uh….

Huck: (V.O) I cured um…..homosexuality.

James: (V.O) You can't cure homosexuality!

Craig: (V.O) Tell that to Richard Cohen not Huck.

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, leave Huck alone!

Craig: (V.O) Stop ganging up on Huck, James.

Huck: (V.O) We never liked you.

Craig: (V.O) Yeah you (radio static).

Huck: (V.O) HAHAHA! Good one Craig, whatacha call him.

Craig: (V.O) Bob Dole!

(Beat.)

James: (V.O) Why does it feel like we're having five separate conversations at once?

Huck: (V.O) Hold on, there's a song playing right now……it's Mr. Bojangles!

James: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles!

Huck: (V.O) And we'll dance, and dance, and dance….please dance.

Craig: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles was the name of my first love.

Huck: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles was a real person?

Craig: (V.O) No I fell in love with the song. I lost my virginity to it.

(Beat.)

Huck: (V.O) Awk-ward

James: (V.O) So um, Huck…..what station is it on?

Huck: (V.O) It doesn't matter, the song's ending away.

James: (V.O) Oh okay.

(Radio static.)

Terrorist: (V.O) JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD!

(Radio static.)

Huck: (V.O) What the Hell was that?

James: (V.O) Well obviously a terrorist who's working for the evil secret agency that cut off all our communications except the radio! We need to stop fooling around and get back to work.

(Radio static.)

Huck: (V.O) What was that James? I was taking a piss behind the bushes. James?

Bill: (V.O) Breaker, breaker the B-man to the dog, are you there? Over.

Huck: (V.O) Bill, we're not hillbillies!

Bill: (V.O) That's such a stereotype, hillbillies don't say stuff like that.

Craig: (V.O) Truckers do.

Bill: (V.O) Yeah, I used to be a trucker……..with my eighteen wheels of justice…..starring Lucky Vanous.

Huck: (V.O) LUCKY! What kind of (radio static)ed up name is that?

Bill: (V.O) I don't know, seems like a name suited to a dog doesn't it.

Huck: (V.O) Yep.

Craig: (V.O) Hey, where did James go?

Huck: (V.O) I don't know, the twilight zone for all I care, the point is, is gone. No more bitchin' and moanin' from him. Under all that manflesh, lives a man……who's a woman.

Bill: (V.O) Yeah……okay, I'm driving my truck to the place we said we'll meet, do you want me to stop off at the ice cream store or something before I get there or?

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, okay pick me up some chocolate! And only chocolate, not chocolate vanilla! Vanilla makes me gassy and homesick!

Bill: (V.O) Yeah okay, over and out.

(Radio static.)

Craig: (V.O) I wanted ice cream too!

Huck: (V.O) Oh crap sorry! Bill? Bill? Are you there son? Bill? Craig wants ice cream too! (to Craig) What flavor?

Craig: (V.O) Caramel!

Huck: (V.O) Do they sell those?

Craig: (V.O) Yes, the ice cream store across from my apartment.

Huck: (V.O) He isn't going to the ice cream store across from your apartment!

Craig: (V.O) Well he should!

Huck: (V.O) Well he ain't, so there!

Craig: (V.O) Oh okay……….hey Huck?

Huck: (V.O) Yeah?

Craig: (V.O) Where do you think we all go when we die?

Huck: (V.O) We all rot in the ground.

Craig: (V.O) Oh….that sounds boring.

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, it does.

(Beat.)

Huck: (V.O) That's why I want to live.

Craig: (V.O) Me too.

Huck: (V.O, to himself) 3, 2, 1…..my children love me but they don't understand and I have a wife who loves a man, drive on.

Craig: (V.O) What the Hell was that?

Huck: (V.O) It's a Johnny Cash song.

Craig: (V.O) Oh really, because I've heard all Johnny Cash songs, so which one was it supposed to be?

(Beat.)

Huck: (V.O) …………….."Drive On"?

Craig: (V.O) You sure you sang it right?

Huck: (V.O) I don't care.

Craig: (V.O) Do…..do you even listen to yourself when you talk?

Huck: (V.O) I drift in and out, it depends if I care about what I said.

Craig: (V.O) Oh okay.

(Radio static.)

Chris: (V.O) Hello? Hello?

Huck: (V.O) Chris?

Chris: (V.O) I'm stuck in some sort of portal!

Huck: (V.O) A portal, with what?

Chris: (V.O) Well, it's more of another realm then a portal. But…..have you guys seen Poltergeist?

Huck: (V.O) The first one or the two sequels, because I saw the second.

Craig: (V.O) Only the second, you gotta see the first. It's way better.

Huck: (V.O) Really, do you have it?

Craig: (V.O) Yeah, I can lent it to you if you want.

Huck: (V.O) Huh, thanks.

Craig: (V.O) Don't mention it.

Chris: (V.O) Guys, you gotta help!

Huck: (V.O) Help what?

Chris: (V.O) Me!

Huck: (V.O) Why?

Chris: (V.O) UGH! (radio static)! BECAUSE I'M STUCK IN THE OTHER REALM!

Huck: (V.O) In the TV?

Chris: (V.O, sarcastically) No Huck, the oven (normal) NO OF COURSE THE TV!

Huck: (V.O) Now I remember.

Chris: (V.O) What…….what did you remember?

Huck: (V.O) I did see the first one, I saw that AND the second one at a friend's place.

Craig: (V.O) But you haven't seen the third one.

Huck: (V.O) No.

Craig: (V.O) Oh……you didn't miss much.

Chris: (V.O) They're sucking me in!

Craig: (V.O) WALK INTO THE LIGHT!

Chris: (V.O) What are you talking abou………

(More radio static.)

James: (V.O) CRAIG! HUCK!

Huck: (V.O) What?

James: (V.O) Why aren't you guys here?

Huck: (V.O) Here where?

James: (V.O) At the car park near the movie theatre, the place we agreed to make plans to stop the other agency. It was the reason we had to communicate separately via radio in the first place…but, um before they shot down the rest of our communication systems.

Huck: (V.O) Really?

James: (V.O) Yes.

Craig: (V.O) Hey Huck.

Huck: (V.O) Yeah?

Craig: (V.O) What ever happened to that Chris fella?

Huck: (V.O) I don't know.

James: (V.O) Are you guys even listening to me?

Craig: (V.O) I hope his in a better place.

Huck: (V.O) I hope I go to a better place, well hopefully a better place than this gas station bathroom with the pee on the rolls of toilet paper that spell out "Jesus Peed Here".

James: (V.O) Ew.

Craig: (V.O) That's where you guys are! A gas station bathroom?

James: (V.O) NO! Only Huck's in the gas station bathroom, I'm at the car park near the movie theatre.

Craig: (V.O) Oh, well I'm at a bar full of guys making out with each other.

James: (V.O) What?

Huck: (V.O) You're at a gay bar?

Craig: (V.O) Gay bar? Bars can be homosexual now?

James: (V.O) No a night club specifically for gay people.

Craig: (V.O) Oh well, I'm gay.

Huck: (V.O) You……like it up the ass?

Craig: (V.O) What up my ass?

James: (V.O) Ugh, you think by gay I mean "happy" don't you?

Craig: (V.O) Well that's what it means, unless it can mean something else……can it?

James: (V.O) Gay can also mean to be homosexual?

Craig: (V.O) Who or what is a homosexual?

Huck: (V.O) It means you like it up the ass………and, you know, not giving it up the ass, but you getting it……up your um, ass.

James: (V.O) Okay Huck, thank you for the lesson.

Huck: (V.O) Your welcome.

James: (V.O) Okay, we have been yakking on and bickering for 8 minutes now, we need to get some plans.

Huck: (V.O) I like fellatio.

James: (V.O) Ugh…..what?

Huck: (V.O) Not giving it, but receiving it…….by some hot broad.

James: (V.O) Okay, shut up we need to start planning things out.

Huck: (V.O) That's what she said!

(Beat.)

James: (V.O) That doesn't make sense.

Huck: (V.O) So does your face.

James: (V.O) That also doesn't make sense.

Huck: (V.O) That also so does your face.

James: (V.O) That doesn't make one Nick Nolte of sense!

Huck: (V.O) Nick Nolte! That sounds like someone stepping on a 50 pound piece of cow turd.

James: (V.O) That doesn't make sense!

Huck: (V.O) So does Chinese sweatshop workers and uh…….Alan Rickman.

James: (V.O) Alan Rickman?

Huck: (V.O) Yes.

James: (V.O) That's your best defense.

Craig: (V.O) Wait, now I've heard of homosexuality but not a homosexual.

Huck: (V.O) Alan Rickman sucks Elton John's nut sack.

James: (V.O) Those are the best defenses you can come up with?

Huck: (V.O) Yeah.

James: (V.O) Well…….uh….

(The Sealab 2021 "evil" music comes on as James is heard screaming.)

Huck: (V.O) That's your best defense James? Screaming? (sarcastically) Wow, why do I feel so burned huh, really had that one coming to me right?

(Beat. Evil music stops.)

Huck: (V.O) Right? 

(Beat. Evil music starts up again.)

Terrorist: (V.O) This is a stereotypical Arab terrorist who worships Jihad and Muhammad.

(Evil music stops. Cut to a quick shot of Muhammad standing in the street with cowboy outfit on.)

Muhammad: (cowboy accent) Hey y'all!

(Cut back to the shot of the radio. Evil music starts again)

Terrorist: (V.O) You must pull out agents out of Israel and Pakistan or we shall kill agent James Smith.

James: (V.O) Do it, I think his serious!

Terrorist: (V.O) Of course I am, I have now a gun pointed to your head, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

James: (V.O) Mrs. Smith? That's a movie.

Terrorist: (V.O) SILENCE INFIDEL! What say you, Evil Alliance?

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, okay, this is Huck (music stops)…..but did you teach yourself English or…..like, what's up with that?

Terrorist: (V.O) Oh, I went to Ai-Quaida training camp, they teach us English if we ever appear on American television show so they would be no need for subtitles.

Huck: (V.O) Yeah, I know. I hate reading, I love TV, reading and TV are not a good mix, so uh, I hate reading subtitles.

Terrorist: (V.O) Hey, when you guys appear on Al-jazezerra, could you please also learn our language I mean, reading subtitles is bad enough without our (radio static)itty symbols we use in our language.

Craig: (V.O) We'll make a note of it.

James: (V.O) Why are you making small talk! His the enemy, he has me at gun point…….and also…

Terrorist: (V.O) I am so (radio static)ing sick of you.

(Three gun shots are heard.)

Huck: (V.O) Thank you for handling James for us.

Terrorist: (V.O) No prob…….say, where are you guys?

Huck: (V.O) Gas station.

Craig: (V.O) Gay bar.

Terrorist: (V.O) The same gas station and gay bar that has that movie theatre with the parking lot in the middle?

Craig: (V.O) Yeah.

Terrorist: (V.O) That's where I am!

Craig: (V.O) No kidding.

Huck: (V.O) Let's turn off these radios and meet up.

(End credits.)


	11. Changes

Code Name Huck

Changes

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck holding a bible in James' cubicle.)

Huck: Awww yeah.

James: Hell no!

Huck: Awww yeah.

James: Hell no!

Huck: Awww yeah, that's right brothers……I've found religion.

James: And let me guess, you want a God Week otherwise if we don't celebrate you will kill us.

Huck: What do you mean, nigga?

James: Nigga? Oh well, uh, you know….you have found religion before and it didn't end too well.

Huck: What do you mean my brother from another mother?

James: Yeah, half of the Evil Alliance was killed because of you.

Huck: Nope…….don't remember.

James: Really? It only happened a couple of months ago.

Huck: Well obviously we're okay now, cause we're in…

James: Huck!

Huck: ……yeah?

James: Is that gold cap in your tooth.

Huck: Yeah, well what are you doing to do about it, white devil!

James: What religion……have you founded……exactly?

(Cut to an African-American church with the churchgoers are singing and swaying as Huck (wearing a basketball singlet, a gold necklace, sunglasses, backwards cap, and jeans) and James are at the front row.)

Priest: (up on stage, singing) And the lord said.

Churchgoers: (singing) The lord said…

Huck: And the lord said!

James: You joined an African-American church!

Huck: I believe the PC term is "black" church, honky.

James: But your not black!

Huck: I'm black….my ears are black.

Priest: STOP! I see a white devil in the mercy of God's place.

Huck: Oh hell, if anyone asks……you're my butler.

Priest: Stand up white vanilla boy!

(James stands up.)

Priest: That's right, vanilla ice! Marshmallow boy, color of semen!

James: What.

Priest: Get the hell out of here boy or we'll kick your ass, this is for blacks only, go to Hell you white cracker honky nigga!

James: I found that racist!

Priest: Yeah, racist as the white man who went off and took our land.

(Silence.)

James: We didn't take your land, it was the Indians land, you were slaves on our ancestor's plantation.

Priest: Yeah, that's what I said! I was getting to that! Now listen, we went through hell, we had to go to concentration camps in World War…

James: That was the Jews.

Priest: Ge-ge-get your white ass out of here boy, or we'll throw it out, hear what I'm saying!

(The rest of the congregation boos James as he walks out. Cut to the water cooler at the Evil Alliance.)

James: And they all booed me out.

Chris: Weak.

Ross: Super weak.

Bill: Super dupe….

James: I get it! The point is, I don't like the crowd Huck has fallen into to, he has to learn to not judge a person by his skin…

Chris: Thank you preachy Alan Alda, I learned that in How to Kill a Mockingbird.

(Huck drives in a pimped-out car as he walks out with the outfit he had on in the church with women walking out after him.)

Huck: How's it going…….crackers?

James: Where did you get all those beautiful women?

Huck: Huge black penis, get one sometime, whoops I'm sorry you don't have a huge black penis, because you're not black.

James: You're not black either, you're blue!

Huck: I found that racist, you white vanilla chocolate ice cream.

James: What?

Huck: C'mon fly honeys.

(Huck walks off with all the women.)

Fly Honeys: HOOOOO!

Craig: (over intercom) Huck Hound, could you please come to my office, Huck Hound.

Huck: Don't worry ladies, I'll be back.

(Huck walks off. Cut to the office as Huck is sitting down near Craig's desk.)

Craig: Ah, Huck.

Huck: Yes.

Craig: Because, there's been some uh, interesting developments in the Evil Alliance, we're getting more agents, and frankly.

Huck: Fire me! Oh that's rich.

Craig: To be honest Huck, you killed more people then stopped…….people……from killing.

Huck: Listen Warburton, I worked my father(BLEEP)ing ass off at this place and this is how your repair me, you RACIST!

Craig: Huh? What! Excuse me?

Huck: You're just jealous because I get all the ladies because my penis is bigger then my and your fists combined…

Craig: Huck, I've never seen a penis on you.

Huck: Because if you did look, you would be gay.

Craig: Hu…

Huck: Da-da-da-duh! I will get you for firing me, you racist pig…….me and my black friends, you'll see!

Craig: Huck, you're not being fired because of the color your skin your being fir…

Huck: Because of the color of my skin, I know……I will get your Craig Warburton.

(Huck walks off. Cut to the church support group with Huck sitting in a round circle with other black people.)

Huck: And he fired me, based on the color of my skin.

Priest: Listen Huck, I would be lying if I said I was on his side because statistics show black people are fired everyday, and who's their bosses, the white man!

(Black man walks in.)

Black Man: Maybe it's because you're all bad at your jobs.

Priest: Shut up you self-hating black.

(Priest blows a spear in his neck.)

Priest: We must drive the whites out of this devil's town, starting with a Mr. Craig Warburton.

Black Man in Support Group: But how.

Priest: Oh, I know how.

(Cut to a flaming T on Craig's front lawn with a group of people in black-colored KKK costumes, one of them is Huck and the Priest.)

Group of Black Men: Black power! Black power! Black power! Black power! Black power!

(The REAL KKK walk in.)

KKK: White power! White power! White power…..

(Priest pulls out a machine gun and kills all of the KKK.)

Priest: We are the new KKK, the PBS….the Pissed Black Supremacists!

Rest of the PBS: YEAH! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER!

(The PBS walk off. Cut back to the church. As Huck is now wearing a pimp outfit, with a pimp hat and cane. The Priest is on the podium talking.)

Priest: This is why the black man is more superior to the white man. Now brother Huck, did you remember to bring the condoms in extra large.

(Cut to forklifts bring them all in.)

Huck: What do you think, my nigga?

Priest: Brother Mike, did you bring the torch.

Mike: Yep.

(Mike stands up with his flaming torch.)

Priest: Richard Nixon and His Band of Merry Men?

(Cut to Richard Nixon in a Robin Hood outfit with Robin Hood's merry men dancing to cheery music.)

Richard: (singing) Because I'm a drunken sailor, getting drunk, nothing like sticking my junk in their trunk!

Merry Men: (singing) Oh HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Richard: (singing) We call the big man Little John, because his penis is small, smaller then a tick, you would need a super advanced electron telescope to see it…

Merry Men: (singing) Oh HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Richard: Give it up for the Mexican pirate.

(The Mexican pirate walks on stage.)

Mexican Pirate: Argh, senior.

Priest: Okay, grease 'em.

(A black man walks in with a flame thrower and sets them all on fire.)

Richard: (melting along with the rest) We only wanted to entertain.

Priest: Where were we, oh right. Tonight, it's our time to get back at the white man for stealing all our black ass, so now we tap on their white ass, consensual or non-consensual.

Black Man with Flamethrower: So……rape?

Priest: The Standards and Practices rather call it "non-consensual" sex but okay, rape is good.

(Black Man (the one with the spear through him) walks back in.)

Black Man: I thought it was the other way around, black guys stealing all the white ass….

Priest: Grease that aunt(BLEEP)er!

(Black Man with Flamethrower sets him on fire. Cut to Heaven as three angels, one white woman, one black woman and one white man. God walks in with a bottle of booze with a dog on a leash.)

God: Here is the telecom with Charlie on it.

(Cut to the intercom.)

Intercom: Good morning angels.

Angels: Good morning Charlie.

Intercom: Today, a group of black men are planning to kill and rape white women and kill all the men; it's your job to stop them before it's too late.

Angels: Yes sir Charlie.

(All three of them walk off.)

Intercom: Hey idiot, it's a intercom not a telecom.

(God grabs out a pistol and shoots the intercom. Cut to a parody of the Charlie's Angels opening credits.)

Narrator: They were brought here as angels so they can preach God's good will and do things like make people better people people. We have Andy (picture of Andy), Tress (picture of Tress) and Rowena (picture of Rowena), they are…….Charlie's God's Angels that touch people.

(Cut to fourth angel who is a woman with glasses in jail.)

Fourth Angel: I took that "touch people" thing a bit too far.

(Kids rush in and point and laugh and throw dodgeballs.)

Kid: Fatty, fatty fat fat.

(Star wipe to the forest as a woman walks by and a tree with eyes and a mouth stops here in her tracks. The tree grabs it's vines and wraps it all around her ala Evil Dead.)

Woman: No….no…

Tree: Oh yes.

Woman: No, no…

(She then grabs out pepper spray and sprays his eyes.)

Woman: No means no!

Tree: What the Hell you crazy bitch!

(Zoom to the end of the forest with the group of black people from the Church, and Huck in the forest with guns around a campfire.)

Priest: Any moment now….

Huck: When's those women coming?

Priest: Any moment now…

Huck: Did you hear me…

(Rowena appears.)

Rowena: (with Irish accent) Hello, I'm…

Priest: A white person get her!

(All the black people dog pile on her as Huck is still sitting on the log, brandishing his shot gun, wearing a hunting hat.)

Huck: Any moment now….

(Andy appears.)

Andy: Hello…

Huck: Whitey!

(Huck shoots Andy.)

Huck: Damnit white niggery niggas.

(The Black Man (from earlier that has a spear threw him and on fire) walks back in, exhausted.)

Black Man: Niggas is a very derogatory term…

Huck: Self-hating black…

(Huck shoots him. Tress floats down.)

Huck: It's one of my own.

Tress: (starts glowing) I am Tress, an angel sent by…

Huck: What? I must be on pot or something, because I see an angel.

Tress: Listen Huck, God knows you're a good person, but doesn't like the bad direction you're taking…

Huck: What? Since when has anyone considered me a good person?

Tress: Yeah, I think God was having a little too much (makes "drinky, drinky" motion) at the time if you ask me but still, you must get out of this group as it's bring you nothing but trouble…

Huck: But the white man keeps screwing over the black man…

Tress: But……wait, you're right. The white man does keep screwing over the black man. No, no…..what you are doing is wrong…

Huck: No, before I was naïve and thought the whites were on our side and then I found a poster reading: "Whites not all cracked up to be, Go to church on Main Street on Sunday for more info" and that is how I got involved.

Tress: Listen, God…

Huck: God doesn't have anything to do with this!

Tress: But God….

Huck: God this, God that, God doesn't fit into very (BLEEP)ing situation you know.

(Silence.)

Tress: Yeah, I know, it's just on that teleprompter over there.

(Cut to a camera man in the woods facing their direction, back to Tress and Huck.)

Tress: Truthfully, I think you're right. God doesn't fit into everything.

(Cut to God in Heaven drinking beer with a bong in one hand with his dog eating "Scooby Snacks" on the bed God is lying on.)

God: Yeah, I do.

(Cut back to Tress and Huck.)

Tress: You're right, blacks do get screwed over by whites.

Huck: Yeah, I mean black guys be all like "Yo dawg" and white guys be all like "Yo dawg…was…was that black enough for everything".

Tress: (chuckles) You know what…..I'm in.

Huck: You serious.

Tress: Yeah.

Huck: That's great, tonight's a good night to we're going to resurrect our lord and savior.

Tress: Who's that?

Huck: Jesse Jackson.

(Cut back to the church as James and Chris walk inside.)

James: Huck…….Huck…..Huck?

Chris: It doesn't look like anyone's in here.

(Cut to a shaman standing near a fridge in the middle of the rows.)

Shaman: Look James and Chris, a sticky note reading of where they all are, it appears they….

(Shaman then starts vomiting out blood.)

Chris: It appears they are vomiting out blood?

Shaman: That's not it, you fool (continues vomiting blood)

(James walks up to the fridge and grabs the sticky note.)

James: (reading) Michael, if you find that six-pack of beer, we're at the woods planning to kill whites and rape their women and also to resurrect our lord and savior Jesse Jackson?

(Dramatic sting.)

James: Oh my God!

Chris: I know. We have to go to the woods and stop them.

James: No, I mean, I didn't even know Jesse Jackson was dead. But what you said was good too. We have to find them and stop them.

(Silence. The Shaman continues to vomit out blood. He then vomits blood on the walls; the blood then starts to read "To Be Continued". End credits.)

Stay tuned for the mediocre conclusion in the next chapter

Keep checking for Chapter 12: Changed (Changes Part 2)


	12. Changed

Code Name Huck

Changed

(Opening credits. Cut to the Code Name Huck title card.)

Narrator: (V.O) Previously on Code Name Huck.

(Opening credits run again, followed by last episode's end credits. Cut back to the title card.)

Narrator: (V.O) Now Part Two of the Code Name Huck series finale.

(Cut back to the church as the Shaman vomiting blood from "Changes" is now dead as James is pacing around while Chris looks on.)

James: What do we do? What do we do?

Chris: The only thing we can do………nothing.

(James starts to hold Chris by the collar.)

James: Oh Hell no, that Huck and that PBS group of his is doing more harm then good and now they're going to revive Jesse Jackson, possibly the evilest black the world has ever known next to Al Sharpton and Martin Luther King!

(Ronald Regan invisos in as the American flag serves as his background as his name appears at the bottom of the screen in big letters with people saying: "RONALD REAGAN".)

James and Chris: RONALD REAGAN!

Ronald Reagan: I've come back from the dead to give you the weapon to defeat those sumofbitch blacks!

James: Yeah……what?

(Ronald holds up a bag of cocaine.)

James: That's just crack.

Ronald Reagan: Exactly, crack I invented so I can rid of the blacks during my tenure as President.

Chris: And a good tenure that was sir.

(The people say: "Ronald Reagan" again as Ronald smiles and holds his hips in triumph.)

Chris: You were exactly what the Republican Party needed.

(The people say: "Ronald Reagan" again as Ronald smiles and holds his hips in triumph, yet again.)

Ronald Reagan: I was a good President.

James: How the Hell is crack going to knock common sense into these people.

Ronald Reagan: It wouldn't………they'll all overdose and die.

(The people say: "Ronald Reagan" again as Ronald smiles and holds his hips in triumph….yet again!)

James: That's not going to (BLEEP)ing solve anything!

Ronald Reagan: Yeah it will, it'll get rid of all the blacks and then after that…….the gays.

(The people say: "Ronald Reagan" again as Ronald smiles and holds his hips in triumph, yet again!!!!!)

James: WILL YOU (BLEEP)ING STOP DOING THAT!

Ronald Reagan: Never!

(Ronald Reagan gets shot as he falls down.)

James: Thank you….jeez, God. Now what are we going to do, we don't want to kill them, but we also don't want THEM to kill…..what should we do?

Chris: I'll go with Dead Ex-President Ronald Reagan's idea.

James: Stop kissing his ass, his dead now!

(The Black Man from the last chapter that was on fire, had a spear through him and got shot walks in wearing army clothing.)

Black Man: There's only one way you can kill those racists.

James: Who….who are you?

Black Man: I'm the only black person in this town that seems to have common sense. All I have to say is…..get that book. Get that book they use for resurrections which also serves as their bible, only then will they get the message. The book is the key. And not like a car key either, more like a metaphorical key.

James: Why can't you do it, they would be more trusting of you because you're black.

Black Man: I've tried to convince them the whites are not that bad but what do they do, they blow a spear at me, set me on fire and shoot me! I (BLEEP)ing do not want to do that again!

Chris: Okay, we'll do it. We will need to get black make up though.

James: Okay, thank you mysterious stranger. By the way, what's with the gun?

Black Man: Oh yeah, I was the one that shot Reagan before. And I'll do it again if I needed to!

(The camera pans upwards then downwards as James and Chris (with black make-up all over their faces) are walking in the woods.)

James: Okay, we get the book they use for resurrections, so they won't revive Jesse Jackson, and so maybe they'll all get their common sense back.

Chris: And therefore stop Nigggedon.

James: Nigggedon? What the Hell is Nigggedon?

Chris: The end of the world as we know at the hand of blacks.

James: Where did you hear that?

(Beat.)

Chris: Wikipedia.

James: Yeah, well…..Wikipedia isn't always right.

(Cut to the spot Tress and Huck were before as the book is lying down on the stump as James and Chris walk up to it.)

James: There it lies, the crazy book that started this whole PBS business and also used for resurrections. If we grab it, we could get hunted down and…

Chris: Shut up (Chris grabs the book and walks off).

James: Way to go Chris….

(Cut to Huck and Tress deeper in the forest, drunk.)

Huck: I sense a disturbance in the force.

(Tress looks around and then looks straight forward.)

Tress: Those white men obviously posing as white men posing as black men are stealing the book…

(Cut back to James and Chris.)

James: (looking around) RUN!

(Rock music starts as they run off as Tress, Huck and the rest of the black men who have just finishing raping Rowena follow them.)

Singers: Ni ga gedon! Ni gga gedon! Ni ga gedon! Ni gga gedon! Ni gga gedon! Ni gga gedon! (faster) Nigggedon! Nigggedon! Nigggedon! Nigggedon! Nigggedon!

(A sudden explosion rocks the forest as Jesse Jackson arises from the flames floating up and looking evil as he then floats down as it closes up on him as he has the reflection of flames in his eyes.)

Jesse Jackson: (singing) Graffiti on the walls of an Atlanta town, Satan's demon in a chocolate coating.

(Cut to a concert stage with James and Chris playing guitar and Huck singing on a mic.)

Huck: (singing) Smoking crack, selling some smack, Nigggedon's bringing Jesse Jackson's demons in his wake. Smoking crack, selling some smack. Nigggedon's coming, bringing Jesse Jackson's demons in his wake.

(Cut to Yuppie from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids" doing his dance near the streetlight. Cut to James and Chris on the concert stage with Chris on the mic.)

Chris: (singing) The flames are red, Reagan's dead, little Timmy crying got diagnosed with Hepatitis C.

(Cut to a black kid crying in the background. Cut to the Squid in the sky.)

Squid: This is an outrage!

(Cut to James and Chris walking slowly as the PBS continue following them.)

James:(singing) Enslaved niggas, enraged niggas, hunting you down, going down, your white girlfriends are on their huge black penises.

Chris: (singing) Colored evil.

(Cut back to the Squid falling from the sky.)

Squid: (singing) Getting their semen sucked out by your girlfriends!

(Cut back on the concert stage as Chris is on the stage as James and Huck sing into the mic while Jesse Jackson plays guitar.)

James & Huck: (singing) Nigggedon! Nigggedon!

Huck: (singing) Our lord (cut to a close up of Jesse Jackson) is scarce, don't offend our race, or me and my buddies will put you in your place.

Jesse Jackson: (singing) Graffiti on the walls of an Atlanta town, Satan's demons in a chocolate coating.

Huck: (singing) Smoking crack, selling some smack, Nigggedon's bringing Jesse Jackson's demons in his wake. Smoking crack, selling some smack. Nigggedon's coming, bringing Jesse Jackson's demons in his wake

(The song stops as James and Chris continue running as they reach the Evil Alliance and run outside. Inside the light is turned off as the light turns on and then the PBS is in there.)

Priest: Give us the book and we won't have to kill you.

James: How did you, get….get…how did you, from the…….Never!

Priest: Or….or, he's just an idea I'm throwing out there……you give us the book and so we can cause Nigggedon, kill all the whites and so the blacks can take over the world. But you know, we can't do that unless we have that book.

James: We are not giving you the book you, you…….ugh, Priest!

Priest: My name's Wallace.

James: Wallace, whatever! Just what do you want with me and Chris?

Priest: For you both to be dead, we hate the white man.

James: But why?

Priest: Because they screw us over, so we started both PBS', starting killing whiteys, having sex with their woman without their permission and to resurrect Jesse Jackson so he can kill you all, which I see he isn't doing.

James: Yeah, he kinda tired himself out during that song. (cut to Jesse Jackson sleeping on the ground)

Chris: Wait a moment; you started…..both PBS'?

Priest: Yes, we started the network PBS so we can broadcast evil all over America.

James: You bastards, you started that network so you can get enough money from all the telethons so you can start up the church and sucker in more people just like you…

(Beat.)

Priest: No, we just wanted to have hookers and drugs. Yours wasn't bad though.

(Beat.)

James: Oh…..okay.

Priest: Also here's another reason we don't like you whiteys, because you call us niggas, that's our word. You can't use it.

James: Well niggas would never been a word if it won't for those plantation owners that forced you to work on their plantations. So technically, it's our word!

Priest: Oh no, no, no, no. It's our word, not yours, ours. You can't use it, only we can.

James: Well okay then, if you guys get a word, we should be able to get a word too.

Priest: Okay, what word do you want?

James: Um…..uh…….. cake?

Priest: Cake? Okay, cake. Cake is the white man's word.

(James pulls out a shotgun.)

James: Cake is our word, nigga.

(The Priest then pulls out a pistol.)

Priest: Well nigga is our word, cake.

(Huck's pimped out car from the last chapter drives in and transforms into a Transformer.)

Huck's Car: You are wrong; niggas and cake are our words.

James: WHAT THE (BLEEP)!

Huck's Car: Yes, not only are the words niggas and cake belong to the Mexicans, Asians, Greeks, Jews and Arabs, so does every other word. Because we are…..God.

(Dramatic sting.)

James: Not you're not.

Huck's Car: Oh yeah we are. And also MAJGA, that's us, catchy uh, are more superior then anyone else in the universe!

Priest: What?

Huck's Car: Huck's Car away, oh and Chris as well.

Chris: Huh?

(Chris teleports to inside the ship full of Jews, Asians, Mexicans, Greeks and others and Craig walks in, in a robe with two women caressing him.)

Chris: Craig, you're not dead and, what is this?

Mexican Pirate: Silence, arrgh, senior.

(Huck's Car is now in space as it grabs Earth and throws it into the Sun. Cut back inside.)

Chris: What….what am I doing here with the rest of the races and Craig?

Mexican Pirate: Well because… you're obviously Jewish.

(Chris looks at them angrily. The words "To Be Continued" appear on screen. End credits.)


	13. Renassiance Dogs

Code Name Huck

Renaissance Dogs

(Opening credits. Cut to the Renaissance fair as Craig is sitting on a throne dressed as the King with a sword with James and Huck wearing knight armor as they are kneeling down before him.)

Craig: (stands up) I declareth you, Sir James (dubs James) and Sir Huckleberry (dubs Huck) you as the knights shall protect me from danger and serve as my honorable knights.

(Craig sits back down as people clap as James and Huck stand up.)

James: Craig….

Craig: That's Lord Warburton to you.

James: (sighs) Lord Warburton, if I could just break character for one minute.

Craig: Minuteth.

James: (sighs) Yes, minuteth, whatever…….where is supposedly this criminal we were sent down to find and capture?

Craig: Begth pardon?

James: The criminal………the reason us three are all here.

Huck: I thought we were here because we had nothing else better to do.

Craig: Oh, that serial criminal……….yeah, here's over near that…….Nirvana tribute band somewhere.

(Craig points to a stage as knights with rock equipment are singing.)

Nirvana Tribute Band: (singing) Turnth lights out, entertainth us, turnth lights out, entertainth us, I feel stupidth and contagiousth. (stops for a moment as music stops) we are…….Madonna…….not-th.

(Cut back to the throne.)

Craig: Now build me a castle.

James: But we're here to capture a criminal, aren't we?

Craig: Yeah, I suppose………..but we're here to build a castle as well.

James: Why?

Huck: I thought it was a serial criminal?

Craig: Well, the castle would be just a trap for the criminal…

Huck: Serial.

James: And the castle would lure him, how?

Craig: Him-she.

Huck: Him-she?

Craig: Yeah because he cut off a set of boobs and plastered it on his chest, this guy's a real bastard.

James: Oh my God…..did he cut off boobs from a real woman?

Craig: No, worse. A mannequin, to get back at his parents for giving birth to him before they got married. Like I said, he's a real bastard.

James: Okay then……..so look out for a guy with plastic boobs….

Craig: That don't have nipples.

James: What?

Craig: Yeah, see he also loves cutting off mannequin nipples and putting them on pizza and saying it's pepperoni.

Huck: What did he do to become a criminal……nay, a serial criminal and how come you know so much?

(Silence.)

Craig: (stands up) Castle building time!

(Cut to Huck pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks as James is bricklaying them all and only the bottom bit of the castle is done.)

James: This doesn't feel like Evil Alliance work at all.

Huck: And if I pull another muscle in my back, I will call Worker's Comp.

(A knight walks up and whips Huck.)

Huck: Agh (BLEEP)! Damn, suck me off seven times and call me Timmy……that hurts!

Knight: The Lord wants you to work faster for preparation for his castle.

James: But it's just trap for a criminal.

Huck: Serial criminal.

Knight: Oh yeah, well………."The Lord" is the name of the guy you want to trap in.

Huck: How would you know?

Knight: Um……..ugh…..well………how would you that I don't know!

Huck: Well I think you know him in one way or the other.

(Silence, the Knight repeatedly whips Huck.)

Huck: Go whip James, his a masochist!

(Cut to Craig sitting on the throne in the middle of the dinner table as many of his servants are sitting along with him.)

Craig: Drink deep within Christ's blood.

(Silence.)

Vassal #1: I ain't drinking this.

Craig: But I'm the Lord, you must do what I say so drink the blood of Christ.

Serf: If this is the blood of Christ, is this chicken the body of Christ?

Craig: Yeah, it is.

Serf: I'm no cannibal; I ain't eating no one's body even if some Lord tells me to.

Craig: Damn it, drink and eat it, I'm the (BLEEP)ing Mix Master Shake!

(Silence.)

Serf: No, that ain't happening.

Craig: Guards seize him.

(Chris and Ross walk in.)

Chris: Hey, serf's up! Get it, because his a….

Ross: Serf, yeah I know.

(Chris and Ross take the Serf off as Craig stands up angrily.)

Craig: Chris and Ross, come back here!

(Chris and Ross walk back in.)

Chris: What is it?

Craig: You're wearing your normal everyday clothes.

Ross: Yeah, so.

Craig: Shut up Russ….

Ross: (overlapping) Ross.

Craig: …….I'm talking to Chris.

Chris: Does it matter; it's just a renaissance fair.

Craig: Just a renaissance fair, how about I put you two in the dungeon and then throw away the key into the bin, then the garbage men will pick it up and put it in the dump where seagulls will pick at it, would you call it a renaissance fair then?

(Silence.)

Chris: Yes.

Craig: That's it, zombie guards, seize him!

(Two zombies of Chris and Ross walk in.)

Zombie Chris: Zombie eat brains!

(Zombie Ross slaps Zombie Chris over the head.)

Zombie Ross: There's no nutrition in brain!

Zombie Chris: No calories either.

Zombie Ross: Besides, eating brains is like eating meat and I'm a vegetarian.

(Silence.)

Zombie Chris: Do you beat your meat? Ha! Get it, it's a….

Zombie Ross: Masturbation joke, yes I know.

Zombie Chris: I…..(tranquilizer dart hits Zombie Chris's neck).

(Silence.)

Zombie Ross: BRAINS!

(Zombie Ross runs off.)

Craig: Wait, come back here, Chris and Ross are right here….

(Cut to a blank spot where Chris and Ross were standing.)

Craig: At least they were.

(Craig looks over at his table as everyone is gone.)

Craig: No, everything's ruined!

(Craig runs off as Dracula is drinking all the glasses of blood. Cut to Huck and James sitting on the ground as they drinking "Deer Beer - 100 Made Out of Real Deer".)

James: Do you even think there is a serial criminal? I mean, we haven't seen any pictures of him, the only name that's been given to us was "The Lord" and Craig seemed to be making up that story of his as he was going along.

(A zombie Jesus hops in.)

Zombie Jesus: I'm Zombie Jesus!

(Silence as Huck goes into his pocket and grabs out a pistol and shoots him.)

Zombie Jesus: Damn.

(Cut to the Renaissance fair as everything is on fire as Craig is walking around.)

Craig: My kingdom! My precious kingdom! All ruined! Wait….

(The camera pans to Chris and Ross sitting on the ground drinking "Deer Beer - 100 Made Out of Real Deer".)

Craig: (V.O) I see you two!

Chris: Oh crap!

(Craig runs after them.)

Craig: I'll send you two to execution for destroying my kingdom!

(Cut to Zombie Ross lying on the ground, smoking from a bong.)

Zombie Ross: Whoa……..I'm like…………..whoa.

(Cut to see laughing pineapples with top hats running up to him.)

Zombie Ross: LAUGHING PINEAPPLES WITH TOP HATS!

(Cut to the Nirvana Tribute Band, now zombies on fire.)

Nirvana Tribute Band: (singing) St-st-st-st-stutter rap!

(Cut to Huck fighting Zombie Jesus as James looks on.)

Huck: You son of a bitch!

Zombie Jesus: Get your blue ass off of me!

(They flip off in the air and into a wrestling ring as they begin fighting again as two commentators in a table are commentating ringside.)

Wrestling Commentator #1: Huck is pounding fists with Zombie Jesus.

(Zombie Jesus flips Huck over and puts him into submission.)

Wrestling Commentator #2: Zombie Jesus is putting Huck into submission!

(Cut to Zombie Chris dancing in a wavy, psychedelic background. Cut to Chris and Ross in the stocks as Bill (with an executioner outfit) walks in with an axe as Craig walks in.)

Craig: Off with their heads, Executioner!

Bill: Hey, I'm supposed to be Bill.

Craig: You'll be a recycled into Bill of Rights, if you don't follow what I say when I say it!

(Cut to Huck fighting Zombie Jesus.)

Huck: You sumofbitch.

Zombie Jesus: I directed "Good Luck Chuck" and "Norbit".

Huck: You bastard!

(Huck swings up in the way and kicks off Zombie Jesus' head and lands down in the ring as the commentators walk off on fire, and start to get attacked by zombies.)

James: What the Hell is going on?

Huck: Something about Craig unleashing Zombie versions of Chris and Ross which zombifyed everyone else.

James: Wait……how did you know that?

Huck: Zombie Jesus told me.

Zombie Jesus' Head: Yeah, while we were fighting.

James: Then why are you here and a zombie?

Zombie Jesus' Head: "Joey" was my favorite show.

(Silence as James looks at him funny.)

Huck: That……….might explain the retardation.

(Cut to the Laughing Pineapples with top hats cutting Zombie Ross up with axes as Zombie Chris falls in unconscious as Huck and James walk into view.)

James: What the Hell is going on here?

(Standards and Practices Man walks in and clears his throat.)

James: I mean, "What the Heck is going on here"?

(Standards and Practices Man nods and walks off dropping his briefcase as Huck picks it up.)

Huck: I don't know, but whatever this is, it might help us.

(Huck opens it up.)

Huck: Or I could be filthy rich!

(Cut to Huck in a mansion with "MTV's Cribs" style TV show.)

Huck: Hello MTV, this is my new mansion.

(Cut to Huck in a billiards table.)

Huck: Here's where I play billiards after nailing broads after (BLEEP)ing them.

(Cut to Huck leaning against a fence.)

Huck: I now reside next door to Penelope Pitstop.

(Cut to Penelope Pitstop (looking slutty and trashy) getting handed money from a sleazy looking man. Cut to Huck in his pool.)

Huck: Here's my pool, where I flush out all the dead skunks.

(Cut to Huck in an alley wearing a cowboy outfit.)

Huck: This is now me a day after my house got repossessed because I wasted all the money on cocaine instead of paying it off the house like I should've. Now I'm how, working as a (sigh) Hustler to get some more coke.

(A chef unzips his fly as Huck kneels down. Cut back to the fair as Bill and Craig are walking holding Chris and Ross' heads.)

Bill: What should we do with the heads now?

Craig: Put them in the kid's playroom.

(James walks up to him.)

James: YOU! What the (BLEEP) is going on?

Craig: I am the King; I don't need to answer to you!

James: Yeah, I think you do.

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do.

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do.

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do

Craig: I think I don't.

James: I think you do.

Craig: Well I think, you need to explain to me why haven't you finished the castle?

(Craig points to not even closed to finished castle.)

James: Well, I'm not even going to think about finishing it, until you tell me the real reason we're all here and why are there zombies and people on fire and why the Hell are you two holding Chris and Ross' heads?

(Silence as Bill runs off, dropping Chris' head.)

Craig: I'll tell you the full story.

(Cut to space.)

Craig: (V.O) My home planet was going to be destroyed, after my Mom gave birth to me.

(Cut to his Mom holding him as a baby.)

Craig: (V.O) The doctor put me in a rocket ship.

(Doctor grabs Baby Craig puts him in a rocket ship as it flies off.)

Craig: (V.O) And I went to Earth, working as a journalist whilst saving the world…….but then I got bored of it so, you know……..this happened.

(Cut to back to Craig and James.)

Craig: And you see, that's the story of how I lost my virginity to a pie.

(Silence.)

James: That had nothing to do with anything that was just the origin story to Superman!

Craig: Yeah, well…….where's Huck?

(Cut to Huck wearing a cowboy outfit in the streets.)

Huck: HEY! I AIN'T NO COWBOY, BUT I AM ONE HELL OF A STUD!

(Cut back to James and Craig.)

James: Working as a male prostitute if that wasn't already obvious.

Craig: What wasn't already obvious?

(A torso less Zombie Ross hops in.)

Zombie Ross: Torso less zombie!

James: Sweet Zombie Ross, it's Sweet Zombie Ross Gellar……..Sarah Michelle Gellar.

(Silence.)

James: I would "BAM" her.

(David Lynch flies in holding a parachute.)

David Lynch: I'll tell you what is going on…..

(Cut to space.)

David Lynch: (V.O) Craig's home planet was going to be destroyed, after his Mom gave birth to him…..

(Cut back to James and Craig.)

James: NO! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING (BLEEP) ABOUT NO ORGIN STORY STOLEN FROM (BLEEP)ING SUPERMAN, I WANT TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THERE WAS A SERIAL CRIMINAL!

Craig: Um……………no, there wasn't.

James: Then why did we have to build castles, why do we have to go through zombies eating brains, torso less zombie, Huck working as male prostitute.

(Cut in a bed as Huck is having sex with some fat guy. Cut back to James and Craig.)

James: Cut off Chris and Ross' heads and have everything on fire, huh? Why? Why? Explain that to me!

Craig: (looks at his watch) Look at the time, Ironside is on, let's go watch Ironside huh?

James: No we're not, not until everything's explained….

David Lynch: Well, here's what happened…..Craig's home planet….

James: SHUT UP!

(James grabs out a gun and shoots him.)

James: Now, answer my question!

Craig: Okay, you want to know the truth!

James: Yes, I want the truth!

Craig: You want the truth! You want the truth! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

(Silence.)

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't.

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't.

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: I think I can.

Craig: I think you can't

James: SHUT UP! We're going to get the answer, right here, right now! Why did we go through all that even though there was no criminal needed to be captured!

(Silence.)

Craig: (looks down at his feet) I just wanted attention.

(James stares at him funny. End credits.)


	14. Broken Huck

Code Name Huck

Broken Huck

(Opening credits. Cut to Huck riding on a unicycle with his hands with his feet in the air talking to a man resembling Bill near the water cooler.)

Huck: ………then I went through the cabin, the tank exploded then I flew up into the air onto the roof and then BAM! I fell down, so that's how I became crippled.

Will: (man near water cooler) Yeah, but what's with the unicycle?

Huck: Oh this……..I can't afford a wheelchair.

Will: Well, I'm Will from accounting………so, yeah.

Huck: SIGN THE PETITION TO BAN THE EVIL ALLIANCE SKIING TRIP!

(Will walks off as James walks in.)

James: You can't afford a wheelchair?

Huck: No, I can't……do you have one?

James: No, but I'm a licensed surgeon.

Huck: Really? Then what are you doing here, you should be off inside people.

James: Huck, I work as the Evil Alliance's chief surgeon. I double as an agent because Craig's too cheap to get real agents.

Huck: Oh, okay…..

James: Listen, I could give you a leg transplant if you could somehow make it worth my while.

Huck: How so?

James: You see those Jews over there.

(Cut to a carton of juice.)

Huck: (V.O) Yeah.

James (V.O) Not that juice.

(Cut to Rabbis playing cards in another room.)

James: (V.O) Those Jews.

(Cut back to James and Huck.)

Huck: What about them?

James: I kinda…….want to join their group.

Huck: Well you could…

James: Without the circumcision.

Huck: Okay, what do you want me to do?

James: I don't know……drop in a good word for me perhaps. The Jews are essential to the leg transplant, they have the money.

(Cut to the Jews playing cards as Huck wheels up to them in his unicycle.)

Huck: So you're playing cards, eh? Good stuff…….good stuff.

Rabbi #1: You're not joining our group Huck!

Huck: Of course I wouldn't, it's my friend Smith, James Smith…….he wants to join your group.

Rabbi #1: So Smith J. Smith wants to join our group, huh…

(James walks up to them.)

James: Hi…

Rabbi #1: Okay Smith, you can join our group but…….there's one right of initiation every Jew Money Bag group members must go through.

James: What?

(Cut to James lying on the bed on what seems to be a porno set as the Jew Money Bag group is behind the camera as Craig and Huck (still on unicycle) are looking on.)

Rabbi #2: Okay Smith, it's just you and T-Rex in this scene so I would need a lot of hot action before I'll get you to whip out your cock alright.

(Cut to James in a superhero suit lying on the bed.)

James: Okay, why do they call her T-Rex?

(Stomping is heard as the studio shakes as a really fat woman enters.)

T-Rex: (with Trey Parker voice, ala Orgazmo) Hi fellas, I'm ready to fudge.

James: (cut to shocked expression) OH MY GOD!

T-Rex: You want me on top?

James: (quickly getting up) No, I'll be on top.

(T-Rex sits on the bed.)

T-Rex: You're going to make me cum, or I'm going to kick…..your….butt.

(T-Rex pushes James down. Cut to Rabbi #1 in director's chair with megaphone.)

Rabbi #1: And action!

(Cut to the bed as T-Rex jumps on top of James as porno music starts and she starts rubbing herself against him.)

T-Rex: OH YEAH! FUDGE ME NAW! FUDGE ME NAW! YOU GET ME SO HOT! (cut to Rabbi #1 on the chair as he mouths "Nice", cut back to T-Rex) FUDGE ME NAW! C'MON! C'MON! C'MON! C'MON LOVAH BABY!

(Cut to Craig with a camera as he turns to face Huck as T-Rex continues to saw "Fudge me naw".)

Craig: That's some hot stuff right there!

(Huck stares at Craig. Cut to James in a synagogue reading out of a torah, wearing Rabbi clothing.)

James: Today, I am a Jew.

(James steps down as Huck and the rest of the Jew Money Bag are standing there, applauding him.)

James: (bows) Thank you, thank you (stops bowing) Now um…

Rabbi #1: You can call me Jim Goldstein.

Rabbi #2: And me Rob Weinstein.

Rabbi #3: And me Jake Buckstein.

Rabbi #4: And me Russell Bornstein.

Female Rabbi: And me Alex Borstein.

James: Okay Jim…….can I borrow some money.

Jim Goldstein (Rabbi #1): Yeah sure, here's the share of the money you get from that porn flick we made.

(Jim hands James $700.)

Jim Goldstein: Only complete perverts would want to watch 90 minutes of a fat chick (BLEEP)ing some skinny guy.

(Cut to Chris and Ross in a basement drinking beer as T-Rex is heard saying "DO ME THE RIGHT WAY, YOU AIN'T MAKING ME CUM, C'MON NOW, HARDER, FUDGE ME NAW"!. Cut back to the synagogue.)

James: C'mon Huck, time for your leg transplant.

(Cut to Huck with feminine legs standing in the hospital room.)

Huck: Who did you get these legs from?

James: Some broad named "Velma Dinkley" (grabs chart) according to this she died of a drug overdose.

Huck: So you mean there's junk in my legs that could go straight to my brain.

James: Don't worry we pumped out all the marijuana smoke from the legs before we transplanted it onto you.

Huck: That still isn't a 100 guarantee that ALL the drugs are gone, you know drugs it's sneaky with it's………sneakiness! Cut off these legs and get another donor!

James: Okay, here we go.

(James grabs a folding chair and smacks Huck over the head as he falls down unconscious.)

James: Damn bastard's never happy!

(James swings out a chainsaw. Cut to a black screen as it's now from Huck's point of view as James is there.)

James: Huck……..Huck….hello?

(Cut to a close-up of Huck's head.)

Huck: What is it?

(Cut back to James.)

James: Well, we couldn't get another leg donor because; well the morgue is a bit low on deaths so…

Huck: (V.O) So what?

James: We kinda had to transplant the rest of your body from the waist up to the uh….

(Cut to a outer shot of Huck's body attached to the "General Lee".)

James: …….General Lee.

Huck: You transplanted my body to the hood of a car!

James: Not just any car, the General Lee.

Huck: Okay……..we'll see how this goes then.

James: Okay, but I'll have to drive you around.

Huck: I'll give this a 1-week trial, then, c'mon……let's get back to work.

James: YEE-HAW!

(James slides in through the window and drives off as "The Dukes of Hazzard" theme song plays.)

Balladeer: (V.O over song) Them Evil Alliance boys gonna get themselves a o'heap of trouble from Boss Warburton………….because they're 48 hours late for work.

(Cut to the General Lee crashed behind a truck as James looks at an unconscious Huck squashed against the parked truck.)

James: Oh Hell.

(Cut to Huck walking in the hospital room with robot legs.)

Huck: This is actually pretty cool.

(A man with an orange afro runs in and kicks Huck in the balls as he falls down as his robot legs separate from the rest of the body.)

Huck: (holding his balls) OH CRAP! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR! WHY!

Man with Orange Afro: My, my…..friend.

Huck: (holding his balls) WHAT!

Man with Orange Afro: You've just been kicked in the nuts.

(Silence as Huck quickly gets up and punches him in the balls as Man with the orange afro falls down in pain.)

Huck: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT! HUH! YOU (BLEEP)ING BASTARD!

(Cut to the Jew Money Bag group throwing dice in a craps table in their room as James walks in.)

James: Um……Jim.

Jim Goldstein: Yeah, what is it?

James: I need a thousand more dollars.

Jim Goldstein: (stands up straight, angrily) A thousand dollars? What happened to the seven hundred dollars I gave you?

James: Yeah, about that, we've had three unsuccessful leg transplants and um……..they've been unsuccessful and I kinda need more money.

(Silence.)

Rob Weinstein: Lawsuit.

(Cut to a CourtTV style show as a female reporter is in a news room as there's a mortise of Craig.)

Female Anchor: The boss, CEO and President of the Evil Alliance Craig Matt Warburton today has been sued out of one MILLION dollars from employee and secret agent Huckleberry Hound.

(Cut to a mortise of Huck.)

Female Anchor: Mr. Hound is suing Mr. Warburton for "crippling" emotional and psychical pain but, mostly psychical. Huck is being represented by five high standard Jewish lawyers while Craig is being represented by Harvey Birdman……..who's dead.

(Cut to Craig using Harvey's dead corpse as a puppet.)

Craig: (Gary Cole voice) I call Mr. Hound to the stand.

(Cut back to the news room.)

Female Anchor: Sad…..and pathetic.

(Different camera angle now as Female Anchor swings around from her chair.)

Female Anchor: Huckleberry Hound has now, according to the producers talking into my ear piece, won the lawsuit, bidding that because of the Evil Alliance skiing trip that Mr. Warburton holds every year is responsible for his disability and saying that in a press conference that he went through the cabin, a tank exploded then he flew up into the air onto the roof and then BAM! He fell down, so that's how he became crippled. In other news, the Evil Alliance skiing trip will not be held next year.

(Cut to this being watched on TV as James turns it off as his sitting with Huck and the Jew Money Bag group.)

James: Your lawyers too?

Jake Buckstein: Yes, we're lawyers, film producers, porno film producers and accountants.

Huck: (grabs a whole stack of money) How could you do all that and still have time to play games in this room.)

Russell Bornstein: Good question………..we're Jewish.

(Silence, James and Huck start laughing. They both stop as the rest just stare at them.)

Russell Bornstein: That's wasn't a joke, it was fact.

(Silence.)

James: So, leg transplant Monday at the Evil Alliance?

Huck: Sounds good.

(Cut to the Evil Alliance with protesters outside as Will gets up.)

Will: In protest! I will now eat this jeep!

(A jeep wheels itself in as Will grabs a fork and knife and starts cutting it up and begins eating it for a long time before a car drives up and crushes the jeep along with Will as James (holding Huck's legless body) walks out of the car.)

James: What's going on here?

Bill: There's Huck……it's your fault the Evil Alliance is closed down!

Huck: What! No it's not!

Chris: Well because of you, Craig lost all his money so he sold the Evil Alliance to a bunch of Jews.

Huck: The Jew Money Bag group?

Chris: And we're not letting you through until you get the Evil Alliance back and therefore, getting all our jobs back.

(Huck grabs out a shotgun.)

Huck: I got a shotgun; unless you all want to be killed by a blue, legless dog I say let us through.

(Silence as everyone gulps.)

Chris: Okay, we'll let you…

Ross: NO!

(Huck cocks his gun and begins shooting everyone as everyone lies dead as James walks off, still holding Huck. Cut inside as they enter through as the five Jews are playing on a giant foosball table.)

James: Uh, guys…

Jim Goldstein: Yes, what is it Smith?

James: Well, it seems…….you now own the Evil Alliance.

Jim Goldstein: Yeah, Craig sold it to us for a million dollars.

James: Where did you get a million dollars?

Rob Weinstein: No, the question is…….WHERE are we going to get a million dollars?

(Cut to a quick shot of T-Rex having sex with James yelling "FUDGE ME NAW LOVAH". Cut to the mess hall as Jim is counting the money.)

Jim Goldstein: Now we've got the money to pay to Warburton thanks to you.

James: Do I get a share?

Jim Goldstein: No, you've already got million dollars from the lawsuit, what more could you want?

Huck: Well I want an actually good leg transplant!

James: Hey………could you guys help me with Huck's leg transplant?

Jim Goldstein: Meh, sure.

James: Really?

Jim Goldstein: All we need is a Rush album to make ultra cool legs to.

(Cut to a close-up of James' face.)

James: I've got all the Rush albums in my apartment!

Russell Bornstein: What are you waiting for, go get it!

(Cut to a legless Huck reading a "Playboy" magazine on the driveway, the Jew Money Group and James walk out of a garage.)

James: Huck, let's go to the Evil Alliance. We've got your new legs.

Huck: Really?

Jim Goldstein: Yes, the power of Geddy Lee's vocals and Neil Peart's drumming and lyric writing helped us build ultra awesome cool legs for you.

Huck: What are we waiting for, let's go!

(Cut to a close-up of shots of Huck's new robot legs which look the same as his old legs.)

James: (V.O) We made you some robot legs that strongly resemble your old ones but they shoot out missiles, lasers and best of all……….they can never be paralyzed.

Jim Goldstein: (V.O) There is a glitch though.

(Cut to the Jew Money Bag group and James standing behind a glass shield as Huck is standing in the surgery room looking at them.)

Huck: What gli…

(Huck's robot legs explode. End credits.)


	15. Intern

Code Name Huck

Intern

(Opening credits. Cut to Craig's office as everyone Evil Alliance member inside standing up as Craig is sitting casually on top of his desk.)

Craig: And that's why we will no longer have Unich Day on Friday.

(Everyone groans as Bill stares at Huck.)

Bill: Bastard.

(Huck pulls out a shotgun and shoots him.)

Craig: In other Evil Alliance news, today we welcome our new intern Andy Xan.

(A nerdy Asian man walks in, smirking creepily as he waves.)

Craig: Say a few words to the agency, Andy.

Andy: (with a very creepy voice) Um……I masturbate to photos of Richard Nixon.

(Silence as Huck pulls out his shotgun again and shoots at the ceiling.)

Craig: Oh……….kay. That's um, very normal. Andy is here on a….

(Huck points his shotgun at Andy's direction.)

Huck: Make my coffee, coffee boy!

(Cut to Andy making Huck coffee as he is pointing a shotgun at him.)

Huck: C'mon coffee boy, keep making it!

Andy: Huck……I love your work.

Huck: Really….you seen my 60's show?

Andy: No……..(creepy dramatic music comes on) I've been following everything you've been doing in the Evil Alliance, your Black Rebellion, your God Week, and that time your legs conked it.

(Creepy dramatic music stops as Huck stares blankly.)

Huck: Well……..that is………AWESOME! Give me five!

(Huck hi-fives Andy as Andy walks off as James walks in holding a coffee cup.)

James: Who was that?

Huck: Andy, our new intern. Yeah…….he loves my work.

James: Really…..his seen your old TV show?

Huck: No……..but he loves my work.

(Huck walks off as James stares at him. Cut to Huck in his cubicle polishing his gun as Andy is pestering him.)

Andy: And that time Craig's face was melting and you didn't let him go to the hospital.

Huck: Yep……….that…..was me.

Andy: Oh my god! (jumps up and down and squeals like a fangirl) Hey, wasn't your cubicle a cardboard box?

Huck: Cardboard box?

Andy: Yeah…….and how does everyone you kill keep coming back?

Huck: Well…………for both of those questions…….magic.

(Andy jumps up and down and squeals like a fangirl again.)

Huck: Yep……you sure do like me don't you?

(James walks in holding a pencil.)

James: Hey Huck, why do you continually stick my pencil up your….

Andy: (interrupting) OH MY GOD! IT'S JAMES! It's James!

(Andy kneels down and "hails" him.)

Andy: I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

(Silence.)

James: Wait hold on a minute……….how did you know my name?

(Dramatic chord.)

Andy: Ugh……magic.

(Andy backs away.)

James: Am I the only one who feels that the new intern is, well……a little creepy.

Huck: Ugh, you're just jealous because he favors me over you!

James: Oh yeah, how so?

Huck: Like how he knows how my leg's conked it that one time, that black rebellion I was apart of, that time Craig's face melted….

James: Hold on………..now how the Hell does he know those things?

(Silence.)

Huck: ……………Magic?

(Cut to Huck in Andy's office as Andy looks out the window as Huck is holding his shotgun, polishing it.)

Andy: I'm so glad you can make it Huck.

Huck: Don't mention it. (Huck pulls the shotgun away and then points it at his mouth and his blows at it)

Andy: Your friend James is a little suspicious of me.

Huck: Ugh, he says he thinks it's _creepy _that you now basically everything I've done here at the Evil Alliance.

Andy: What's creepy about that?

Huck: Exactly, ain't nothing creepy about Bob Geldof.

(Silence.)

Huck: Except his accent.

Andy: I've got the perfect plan to convince James I'm completely normal…….by giving some glory to that Douchebag.

Huck: Uh………why does that old assfag deserve glory?

Andy: To convince him I'm not just a creepy new recruit!

(Silence.)

Huck: You had me at Quizno's

(Cut to James in his cubicle late at night alone as he gets up and walks around.)

James: Andy? Andy?

(Cut to James standing outside a door marked "Intern's Office".)

James: Andy…..could you get me some coffee?

(A dark shadow creeps from behind him as James turns around.)

James: Huck, what are you doing?

(Another shadow quickly creeps out from behind James and hits him over the head with a wrench as Huck and Andy look on.)

Huck: How's that showing him glory?

Andy: You'll see.

(Fade out. Cut to James' eyes opening, it is now in his POV as he is in a dark dank basement as Andy looks at him with a creepy smile as Huck in the background is shooting random things.)

Andy: Hello James.

(It now goes out of James' POV as it now cuts to him chained up on the wall.)

James: What………what the Hell is going on?

Andy: You think I'm creepy; I'm here to convince you I'm a fan of your work.

James: What work?

Andy: As a plastic surgeon and an Evil Alliance agent.

James: Wait……how the Hell do you know I double as a plastic surgeon (fast) and don't say magic!

Andy: Because I know everyone about you……I know hard it was to get that medical degree.

James: What medical degree, I didn't work for any medical degree I just double as a plastic surgeon because Craig's lazy to hire a professional and I lost a bet with Chris.

Andy: Oh, I'm sorry……..I got messed up with my own fan script I've been writing about your lives.

(A Wheel of Fortune-esque model wheels in a computer with Andy's fan script on it.)

Andy: I got so enthralled into your lives I decided to write my own fan script.

(The model wheels the computer up to James.)

Andy: Read it!

James: I'm not going to read….

Andy: Read it! (points a pistol at James)

James: (reading) Agents: Glory to the Douchebag?

Andy: Keep reading….

(Huck walks up to them both.)

Huck: What's this I hear about a fan script?

Andy: I wrote a fan script about you, James and Craig getting new recruits in the Evil Alliance.

James: (reading, then stopping) When Craig says logic is his bitch, that sounds more like something Huck would say.

Andy: It's a fan script it doesn't have to be good!

(Huck turns his head and reads it.)

Huck: Hey, Seinfeld isn't Craig's favorite show. Ironside is.

James: I would never dye my hair fiery red.

Huck: On the "in the next chapter" it implies we're investigating, thus on a mission. I've only been on 2 missions since I got here.

Andy: IT'S A SATIRE! A PARODY OF YOUR LIVES!

(Silence.)

Huck: Why the Hell are you satirizing me? I thought you loved me.

Andy: (sounding heartbroken) I do…….I just wanted to leap up and write my own stories involving you guys.

James: (reading) What's this about "Death Note"?

Andy & Huck: SHUT UP!

Andy: Listen Huck……I know this fan script is a cheap rip off of your lives…..and I know it sucks, and you can flame me and give me a bad review on it but you know I mean you guys no harm when I wrote this.

(Silence.)

James: Somehow that speech didn't make sense.

Andy: You James, shut up! You're my least favorite character in the "Code Name Huck" fan script

(Silence.)

James: I thought it was called "Agents: Glory to the Douchebag"?

Andy: (nervously) Oh, yes, that's right……..well maybe I should tell you how I know everything about your lives.

(Cut to Craig drinking coffee in his office as a time rift opens up as Craig stares at it for a while.)

Craig: (casually) Mhm……time rift. Don't see that everyday.

(Craig continues drinking his coffee for a little bit then it cuts to Huck staring, shocked as James has a "I'm not buying this shit" expression on his face back in the basement.)

Andy: (pacing around) …….and that is how I know almost everything about you.

Huck: Oh…….God!

James: Puh-lease, you're saying that our entire lives are a fan script written by some pimply net-savvy nerd with a lot of time on his or her hands.

Andy: EXACTLY!

Huck: That explains everything.

James: Explains what…….Huck?

Huck: How we keep dying and coming back.

James: BECAUSE I HAVE TO KEEP USING MEDICAL SCIENCE TO KEEP (BLEEP)ING REVIVING YOU!

Huck: But you died that one time during "God Week".

James: No I didn't, that was a mere wound.

Huck: Face it James, you can't handle the fact that life has a writer, and we're the script!

(Silence.)

James: Oh so by your logic, if someone writes all this crap, then someone is writing that their writing all this crap.

(Beat. Andy pulls out his pistol and points it at James.)

Andy: I brought you here to prove I'm not creepy, and I'm still going to do that.

James: Just by doing that, you're proving you're creepier.

Andy: SHUT UP! I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill both of you!!

(Huck stares at James angrily.)

Huck: Thanks a lot James.

(Cut to Craig, Bill (with a band aid on his head), Chris and Ross in the office as a handyman on the ladder are all looking at the time rift.)

Handyman: Now are you sure this is a time rift?

Craig: Well I think it is.

Bill: Looks like a vortex.

Chris: No you've got it wrong, it's a floating hole.

Ross: A floating hole, like such thing exists! It's obviously just an ordinary hole.

Chris: BUT IT'S FLOATING!

(Cut back to Andy, James and Huck as Andy is jumping up and down on his right leg.)

Andy: (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)!

(Cut to Andy's left leg as he has shot himself on the foot.)

James: You're a really, really bad shot you know that?

Huck: I've seen eyeless 1 inch midgets with ant legs with better aim then you.

(Cut back to the office.)

Ross: The very notion of a floating hole is preposterous, there needs to be some sort of abstract gravitational pull to this hole if it can float.

Chris: That was just a bunch of random gibberish, it's a (BLEEP)ing floating hole.

Ross: Oh, you say my argument against this floating hole is just a bunch of random gibberish; your argument for it has nothing to back it up.

Chris: There's nothing to back it up with, it's a floating hole, that's that!

Ross: ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING SERIOUS!

(Cut to Andy holding onto his left leg in pain.)

Andy: Somebody please call the hospital!

James: Why the Hell should I? You freakin' kidnapped me, showed me your dumb fan script and tried to convince me my whole life has just been a fan script! And even if I wanted to, I'm all chained up.

Andy: If you call the hospital, I'll unchain you.

Huck: Well, I'm just going to wait here until the writer writes the conclusion.

(Cut back to the office.)

Bill: You guys are a both wrong, it's obviously a spinning vortex!

Ross: Weren't you dead 8 pages ago?

(The rest of the room stares at him.)

Ross: Okay, about what I just said…….here's what Andy has told me.

(Cut back to the basement.)

Huck: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

(Silence.)

Huck: And that's what I'll say if Sylvester Stallone tried to touch me inappropriately.

Andy: What's that gotta do with calling the hospital?

Huck: Ol' Sly is working as a doctor now.

James: No his not.

Huck: Well, that might be true James, but I still think that new Rambo movie should be locked in a vault, thrown at sea and shot at.

(Cut back to the office.)

Chris: WHAT'S THAT GOTTA TO DO WITH A FLOATING HOLE ROSS!

Ross: I was just explaining that fan script thing Andy told me.

Chris: Yeah, well……now who's talking random gibberish.

(Silence.)

Ross: I never said you were talking random gibberish.

(The time rift gets bigger as it proceeds to suck in everyone in the room into and everything in it's path. Cut back to the basement.)

Andy: I'll die if you don't call the hospital James.

James: Why don't you ask your phoney bologna "writer" to write you out of it…..?

(Everyone in the basement proceeds to get sucked into the time rift. Cut to the exterior of the planet as the whole universe gets sucked into the time rift. Cut to the entire Evil Alliance floating in completely white place.)

James: What the Hell is this now?

Andy: Oh man, I should've known that telling you about the fan script would cause a time rift in the space-time continuum.

Huck: Are you sure it was that……or you sure it wasn't the writer not knowing how to write out of the situation.

(Silence.)

Andy: You know what……it was probably both.

(End credits.)

This is my response to "Agents: Glory to the Douchebag" fan fiction by a certain author which inspired this chapter. (Don't get offended, twas all in good fun)


End file.
